Lone wolf

There have many times in my life where I have been faced with a choice between doing what would make me popular or what would isolate me. In grade 7, I chose to act sweet and cheerful while being a complete bitch to girl who had been chosen to be the victim that year for the games girls play. At that time, I'm not sure whether or not I knew how horrible I was being to her. But I remember knowing that who I was being didn't fit me. I realize that most kids at that age aren't comfortable in their own skin, but, at the end of that school year, I recognized what it was that wasn't working for me. It was my "joiner" behavior. I chose not to behave like that. At my first high school, I asserted my choice by (loudly) disagreeing with my religion teacher. But I still had lots of friends. At my second high school, I started off with a resolve to not make any friends at school. This increased desire for isolation was primarily because of my health. But joining the gifted class made that virtually impossible. That was an odd place to be in. I was an outsider automatically, but somehow that threw me into a certain role and that resulted in me joining without being aware. For a few while, I had loads of fun, but it old fast and I pulled away, along with a few of my closest friends. In university, I met a lot of people at the beginning, but somehow, I'm now very isolated. For the first time, I don't know if it was by choice. Maybe I just so used to pushing to be on my own that I pushed before I had those few really close friends that keep you from being lonely. Or maybe I got caught up in a relationship at the expense of new friendships and as a result, got left with only that relationship. Or maybe there's no explanation, or it's combination, or something. It doesn't really matter. The fact is, that for the first time in my life, I'm lonely. It's not a matter of having or not having friends exactly. I have wonderful friends. But I'm still lonely.
The two teachers who've been most influential on me have both told me that I'm a loner. Correction, one called me a loner. The other called me "challenging" and gave that as a reason I'd never get married. The thing is, I'm not entirely a loner. Yes, I spend a lot of time studying and my health condition does limit what I'm able to take on. But I still love a good conversation or laughing or dancing with others. I really enjoy being around people...sometimes. What it comes down to is that I like to have a choice whether I want to be alone or with people. I don't feel I have that choice anymore. I think I care more about the choice than I care about being a joiner or a loner. When it was my decision, I could be confident in me. Without the choice, I'm stuck and out of control.

When I started writing this post, I had a point. I don't remember what it was.