I don't care to try to come up with a poignant title

What's the point of making an effort to do something wonderful for yourself if there's just a sense of let-down afterwards? Is it actually good for you at all?

I have a midterm tomorrow that I haven't studied for. I need to start studying for these things. And I say that after each one and nothing changes.

At what point do you quit? What makes you decide "this isn't for me"? What makes you decide "this is for me"? Maybe those questions have nothing to do with each other

Why is the excitement about a thing always better than the thing itself? Or is that just for me?

Am I alone or I am just exactly the same as everyone else, no better, no worse...not special?

I want to run away. I'm not even sure what I want to run away from or where I want to go. I just want to run away from everything.

Why? Why not? What's the point, the reason, the why?

Doesn't make sense to you? Me neither.

Rabbis

I haven't posted for a while because I simply haven't felt the need. But I've found something fun to rant about. And given that the next year will be spent planning a wedding, I'm sure that will provide plenty of inspiration for many a blog post. (Oh yeah, to anyone who does already know or hasn't guessed, Jon and I are engaged!)

The official word for the Rabbinical Council in Toronto is that they will not perform interfaith marriages. So we've (read: Jon has) been looking for a rabbi who is not part of the mainstream (i.e. not Orthodox, Conservative, or Reform) in hopes that we could find someone who was simply forward thinking. Instead, we've just found nut jobs.

Nut #1: She identifies herself as a rabbi who is a "secular humanist". I'm not really sure what that means, but okay. The "fun" part: She doesn't believe in praying to God/doesn't believe in God. Where does one even start listing the things wrong with this? We have a rabbi who doesn't like talking about God. Last time I checked, that doesn't make you a Jew; it makes you an atheist.

Nut #2: This guy will marry anyone...as long as you pay him (and his fee is substantial). And I don't just mean any two people. He once married two parrots. I think that's the punchline right there.

More to come...I'm sure.

Oh, Marxism!

"...it becomes impossible to distinguish sciences like physics and biology from other belief systems - such as Marxism, witchcraft, and intelligent design - that claim to be scientific." - Lee Smolin in his book, The Trouble with Physics.

Marxism, witchcraft, intelligent design ... one of these things is not like the other. Or maybe not.

(This one is really just for Saman and Soos.)

Lone wolf

There have many times in my life where I have been faced with a choice between doing what would make me popular or what would isolate me. In grade 7, I chose to act sweet and cheerful while being a complete bitch to girl who had been chosen to be the victim that year for the games girls play. At that time, I'm not sure whether or not I knew how horrible I was being to her. But I remember knowing that who I was being didn't fit me. I realize that most kids at that age aren't comfortable in their own skin, but, at the end of that school year, I recognized what it was that wasn't working for me. It was my "joiner" behavior. I chose not to behave like that. At my first high school, I asserted my choice by (loudly) disagreeing with my religion teacher. But I still had lots of friends. At my second high school, I started off with a resolve to not make any friends at school. This increased desire for isolation was primarily because of my health. But joining the gifted class made that virtually impossible. That was an odd place to be in. I was an outsider automatically, but somehow that threw me into a certain role and that resulted in me joining without being aware. For a few while, I had loads of fun, but it old fast and I pulled away, along with a few of my closest friends. In university, I met a lot of people at the beginning, but somehow, I'm now very isolated. For the first time, I don't know if it was by choice. Maybe I just so used to pushing to be on my own that I pushed before I had those few really close friends that keep you from being lonely. Or maybe I got caught up in a relationship at the expense of new friendships and as a result, got left with only that relationship. Or maybe there's no explanation, or it's combination, or something. It doesn't really matter. The fact is, that for the first time in my life, I'm lonely. It's not a matter of having or not having friends exactly. I have wonderful friends. But I'm still lonely.
The two teachers who've been most influential on me have both told me that I'm a loner. Correction, one called me a loner. The other called me "challenging" and gave that as a reason I'd never get married. The thing is, I'm not entirely a loner. Yes, I spend a lot of time studying and my health condition does limit what I'm able to take on. But I still love a good conversation or laughing or dancing with others. I really enjoy being around people...sometimes. What it comes down to is that I like to have a choice whether I want to be alone or with people. I don't feel I have that choice anymore. I think I care more about the choice than I care about being a joiner or a loner. When it was my decision, I could be confident in me. Without the choice, I'm stuck and out of control.

When I started writing this post, I had a point. I don't remember what it was.

Math mistakes

I'm not even if I could pick a favourite. Though if I had to, I think "Here it is" would be the one I'd go with.

(Saman, please explain these to Soos.)

I will write a longer post with more than 60 words if someone gives me a good idea of what to write, provided anyone still reads this thing.

I should have stayed in bed

It had only been raining lightly all morning. Of course, as soon as I leave to walk to the library, the sky opens up. I get to the library, completely drenched. The only avaliable copy of the book I need is the one my prof put on hold. It's the wrong edition and there had been a lot of changes between the two editions. I tried to do a few questions of the assignment anyway, only to discover some notes I needed were at home. So I walk home and my umbrella breaks. By the time I get home, there is so much water in my shoes that I can feel it moving between my toes as if I were swimming. And it's not even 1 p.m.
I'm going back to bed. Hopefully when I get up again, this day will be better.

(Sorry for the grouchy post but there's no one here to bitch to and I'm (justifiably) cranky.)

Divorce

Disclaimer: This may offend some people. Please do not keep reading if divorce is a sensitive subject for you. I just need to get this off my chest.

I hate divorce. In principle, I believe it is wrong. I used to think that belief was just my Catholic roots showing, but now, more than ever, I believe it. It's painful for everyone in my family right now. To hear the strain and emotional exhaustion in my mom's voice brought me to tears as soon as I hung up the phone. She's being so solid for so many people in the family right now. I don't know how she does it. My grandpa is upset but he's so stoic that he won't talk about it. I know it's really hard on my grandma. She and Grandpa set such a wonderful example (married for 50+ years now) but now 3 of 4 of their children have divorced. I know she wonders what else she could have done. She is a beautiful and wise woman. I admire her so much. It's not fair. No one should hurt my grandma. And I just keep thinking of my two little cousins. They're only 6 and 3 years old. Those guys really need both their parents. And they know what's going on. I just want to hug them.

Not talkin' 'bout a year
No not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
In my life anymore
Forever always seems
to be around when it begins
but forever never seems
to be around when it ends
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do from you

It seems like I don't have as much right to be upset as everyone else, but I am upset nonetheless. My uncle has been part of my family for nearly 10 years. I was a bridesmaid at the wedding. And now, I might never see him again. At the same time, I'm angry at him ... and at her. How can you be so in love and then, in time, fall so far from that that you loose all hope of making it better? I'm mad at him for crying on the phone to my brother. I'm mad at them for not making it work; for having kids if they can't handle marriage; and for hurting my grandma.

People spend so much time
Every single day
Runnin' 'round all over town
Givin' their forever away
But no not me
I won't let my forever roam
and now I hope I can find
my forever a home
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

When my dad first told me, I was shocked (not surprised, but shocked). I spent the weekend talking about marriage, love, and relationships with my dad, my mom, and my grandma (all very wise people, especially on this topic). Based on these conversations, these are my conclusions:
- Through marriage, you become family. You cannot break-up with family. You can have fights. You can have rough times. But you are stuck together, through it all. You cannot divorce your brother because he's annoying you. He's your brother, no matter what.
- Love isn't enough. You won't always be in love. My dad told me you fall in and out of love. The key is to be respectful and honest at all times, in love or not. To me, there is comfort in the idea that you get to keep falling in love, over and over.
- No matter how much good advice you get, you still have to figure it out for yourself.

Like a handless clock with numbers
An infinite of time
No not the forever found
Only in the mind
Forever always seems
to be around when things begin
but forever never seems
to be around when things end
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you.