Sick and rambling

Instead of coming back from Toronto feeling refreshed and motivated, I've come back sick. Aside from the long conversation with my brother, and dinner and church with my dad, the trip was disappointing and more stressful than staying in Waterloo. My parents' house is so different now. It smells like Nana's house and the beds and pillows feel like Grandma's place. With the main floor under construction, the new couch in the basement, and my room being so empty, all my favourite calming things about my parents' house aren't there anymore.

Though I am never going in a mall in Toronto by myself again and I hate shopping, I am happy to have winter boots. I got the heavy-duty uberwarm, waterproof ones. I doubt they'd be considered fashionable but given what's considered fashionable these days, I'm good with that. The sales lady looked at me like I was from another planet when I asked if the boots were waterproof. That shouldn't be an odd question.

I have a midterm tomorrow, but unless I get a lot healthier, I'm getting a doctor's note. I want to study. DEs is fun. Even E&M is more fun than being sick like this.

New Year's Eve is going to be awesome this year. Quiet and low-key. Board games and few friends at my place in Waterloo. It'll be nice to be back in Waterloo to have a few days to relax before classes start after my hectic Christmas. I'm looking forward to it.

I should have a nap.

In search of exceptional solutions

I've always loved to stand out of the crowd, to be the exception. No matter how much I would say that I didn't like being the one to beat because of the pressure, I loved all of it. I even loved complaining about the pressure of being on top. It has always been part of the appeal to physics. Fate it seems is not without a sense of irony. (5 points for whoever gets the reference, except for triangle members...you guys get shamed if you don't get it.) But then again, reality is uglier than ideas. No matter how many times I tell myself I'm intelligent and that I don't have to prove that to anyone, there are only so many condescending explanations of a wrong answer that is asserted strongly as correct that I can endure before starting to feel like an idiot.
I wish I could chalk it up to something other than the gender issue, but from what I can see, nothing else works. I'm constantly getting told what and how I should learn and do my assignments (when I haven't even asked for help) by guys, not by girls. The same idea, if voiced by myself and by a male, is more like to be accepted if presented by the latter. And I'm not so deaf as to miss the whispers that I would not be able to achieve what I have, academically speaking, if I weren't dating an upper year student.
So what am I to do? I have no intention of dropping out of physics, compromising/lowering myself, or breaking up with Jon. Perhaps if I phrased my questions/statements differently ... But I want to be able to complain freely with my friends without worrying. I could try to just let it roll off my back ... But I've never been very good at that and it grates on me. I could just tell them to fuck off ... But the ones that hit the hardest are people I consider friends. I could act as arrogant as the guys do ... But I'd be labelled a bitch and it's just not right for me. I want to learn and communicate my way. If you have a suggestion of a solution, I'd love to hear it.

Holidays?

As usual, now that Haloween is over, the Christmas season has begun. At least, it has for advertisers. Though I have started thinking about what to get people for Christmas, I still find it jarring to see the orange and black jellybeans costing half what the red and green jellybeans cost. Not that I have anything against discounted Haloween candy (and there's nothing wrong with going through 95 mini chocolate bars in a weekend between three people). And I love Christmas music, but hearing it for almost two months (that's 1/6th of the year) leading up to Christmas is a bit much. I love getting in the Christmas spirit, I just don't like having it rammed down my throat. Especially when I have two tests, 5 exams, and many assignments to get through before Christmas. November is too drab and stressful for me to be in the Christmas spirit. Once December hits and classes have ended, then I will study for exams and slowly start to get into the Christmas spirit. But for now, I will be as much of a Grinch as I so please.

Understanding E&M ... I wish

My hate for E&M is ever intensifying. I'm floundering in a way I've never experienced before. Every question of every assignment is demoralizing. The text is cryptic, my prof can't teach, and I don't feel I can trust/understand the explanations that others offer; I'm running out of resources. So new plan: harass the prof. That's how I got through Computer Programming last year so hopefully it will work in this case too.

I wish I didn't get down on myself so easily. I wish I were smarter and quicker. I wish when I got frustrated with assignments, I wouldn't take it out on those closest to me. I wish others wouldn't take it out on those around them when their condfidence is shaken. I wish people could admit when they're wrong. I wish people could really listen and understand each other. I wish other people didn't hide behind arrogance. I wish my ego were more resiliant. I wish growing up didn't involve losing friends. I wish I knew what the point of it all is. I wish I had all the answers.