Wish list

(Credit to Emily for the idea of this list.)

Things I want to have, to have happen, to do, or to be able to do...

sleep; eat good food; eat fresh salmon made on the bbq at my cottage; water-ski; drink milk; drink chocolate milk; let a piece of chocolate melt in my mouth; lie in the sun reading a good story on a sunday afternoon; stretch; dance; skate; fly; eat an entire meal comprised of samples at Costco with my mom; work-out without being in pain for a few days after; skate with the technique and strength I used to have; win the Olympics; not be sick anymore; impress my dad; learn the latin rhythm dances; take hip-hop dance lessons; just let loose and dance; all three kinds of splits; understand time; manipulate time; secretly do something to make someone happy so they never find out that I'm the one that did it; watch people's faces as they smile and laugh; never hurt anyone I care about; understand human emotion; tell O'Donovan that we're laughing at him, not with him; be less cynical; go laugh at the movie, the Ice Princess, with Saman and Soosen; go dancing with my skating girls; watch the Matrix documentaries with George; watch Gilmore Girls with Emily; make new friends; spend a few hours on the phone with Anne; throw ping-pong balls at O'Donovan everytime he makes a bad joke; make ammends with anyone I've hurt in the past; stop imploding on myself; trust myself; reuinte with friends from my childhood; understand all math there is; answer the big questions of physics; be a free spirit; sit under a tree and think; go to the TSO; go to a jazz festival; get 100% on my calculus final; work at PI; live in a tree house in British Columbia; master telepathy and teleportation; be on time; wear formal-wear somewhere where it's inappropriate like to a bowling alley or Tim Hortons; dance in the streets very late at night; never get tired; be invincible; prove that I am smart enough; be the exception; be enigmatic, eccentric, authentic, unique, and other various adjectives beginning with vowels; write a book; eat grilled peppers; make and eat cheesy eggs; cook one really amazing meal to show Jon that I can make some that isn't PC or M&Ms; get an apartment; discover the meaning of life; watch Monty Python; for one day, speak only in Shakespeare or Simpson's quotes; get a stranger to tell me his or her life story; discover at least one quirk about every person I meet; not take things so personally; change someone's life; change the world; just hang out with Jamie; earn my parents' respect; let my parents know how much I respect, admire, and love them; thank each person who has ever helped me or had an impact on me; write music; cheoreograph skating routines for someone; figure out what I want from life; run around on freshly cut grass in bare feet; squish my toes in warm sand until I get down to the cold, damp layer; learn the tango; get silk toilet paper; wear perfume; be stunningly beautiful; read everything there is to read; sit on the dock at my cottage late at night and stare at the stars; listen to silence; eat a cinnamon bun on the dock in the early morning sun; tell everyone the truth; know the truth; mean something to someone who is not family or a close friend; be like Fotini; eat cheesecake; go see an opera in Vienna with Jon; eat really good quiche; be remembered; be pain-free without drugs; maintain a child-like sense of idealism and hope; plan my life even if it won't happen that way; stand on top of the Sugar Cube (aka Dana Porter); face my fears; never get desensitized to the sight of blood; change someone's mind; make people see both sides; see all sides; have a picnic with a basket and a checkered blanket; tell off people on PhysClub; walk down Queen St.; people-watch in the Beaches; climb trees in the Beaches; rollerblade in the Beaches; see into my future; dream.

Balance

How does one care without self-destructing? It takes passion to do something well, but if things don't go well, the fall is harder. Without caring, nothing great can be accomplished. Caring too much leads to getting hurt and disappointed.

The tests and exams that I have cared about and have felt confident for are the ones I've blown completely. But I care about those subjects because I enjoy them. If I don't care, I won't learn the material as well. But if I care too much, I'll just implode. So why care? It just gets me hurt.

How does one simultaneously be kind and true? Submission is not true, but, to use an old cliché, the truth hurts.

A long time ago, I decided that there was no way to please everyone so I decided to always go with what was true to me. For this decision, I have been called selfish, hypocritical, a walking-contradiction, and a bitch. I have survived by fighting with or just pushing those people away. But I can't survive on my own, try as I might, and there are some incredible people in my life that I care very much about. I don't want to push those people away but I certainly don't want to hurt them. What's so great about me that's worth fighting for anyway?

How does one maintain confidence? It seems it only takes the slightest thing to throw one into the extremes of over-confidence or self-deprecation. And if confidence is that easily shaken, it's not true confidence. Confidence should entail an element of constancy.

I have never felt so consistently stupid as I have since I came to university. I am surrounded by people who, like me, have been told they have talent and brains. I am also surrounded by a lot of guys who talk out their asses. Telling the difference, especially when they may know some things, has proved difficult. My confidence has always depended on what other people thought. If no one is telling me I'm smart, if my marks are low, who am I to argue with that? I mean, what do I know anyway?

How does one find equilibrium? Like standing in the middle of a see-saw, just one small change at the end, a young child gets on, and the equilibrium is gone. Between apathy and anxiety, compassion and honesty, arrogance and self-doubt; how does one walk that thin line?


Hold your breath.