Dodge this.

I don't care to try to come up with a poignant title

2007-11-08T22:37:00.000-05:00

What's the point of making an effort to do something wonderful for yourself if there's just a sense of let-down afterwards? Is it actually good for you at all?

I have a midterm tomorrow that I haven't studied for. I need to start studying for these things. And I say that after each one and nothing changes.

At what point do you quit? What makes you decide "this isn't for me"? What makes you decide "this is for me"? Maybe those questions have nothing to do with each other

Why is the excitement about a thing always better than the thing itself? Or is that just for me?

Am I alone or I am just exactly the same as everyone else, no better, no worse...not special?

I want to run away. I'm not even sure what I want to run away from or where I want to go. I just want to run away from everything.

Why? Why not? What's the point, the reason, the why?

Doesn't make sense to you? Me neither.

Rabbis

2007-07-27T15:08:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted for a while because I simply haven't felt the need. But I've found something fun to rant about. And given that the next year will be spent planning a wedding, I'm sure that will provide plenty of inspiration for many a blog post. (Oh yeah, to anyone who does already know or hasn't guessed, Jon and I are engaged!)

The official word for the Rabbinical Council in Toronto is that they will not perform interfaith marriages. So we've (read: Jon has) been looking for a rabbi who is not part of the mainstream (i.e. not Orthodox, Conservative, or Reform) in hopes that we could find someone who was simply forward thinking. Instead, we've just found nut jobs.

Nut #1: She identifies herself as a rabbi who is a "secular humanist". I'm not really sure what that means, but okay. The "fun" part: She doesn't believe in praying to God/doesn't believe in God. Where does one even start listing the things wrong with this? We have a rabbi who doesn't like talking about God. Last time I checked, that doesn't make you a Jew; it makes you an atheist.

Nut #2: This guy will marry anyone...as long as you pay him (and his fee is substantial). And I don't just mean any two people. He once married two parrots. I think that's the punchline right there.

More to come...I'm sure.

Oh, Marxism!

2007-04-03T14:47:00.000-04:00

"...it becomes impossible to distinguish sciences like physics and biology from other belief systems - such as Marxism, witchcraft, and intelligent design - that claim to be scientific." - Lee Smolin in his book, The Trouble with Physics.

Marxism, witchcraft, intelligent design ... one of these things is not like the other. Or maybe not.

(This one is really just for Saman and Soos.)

Lone wolf

2007-03-06T20:43:00.000-05:00

There have many times in my life where I have been faced with a choice between doing what would make me popular or what would isolate me. In grade 7, I chose to act sweet and cheerful while being a complete bitch to girl who had been chosen to be the victim that year for the games girls play. At that time, I'm not sure whether or not I knew how horrible I was being to her. But I remember knowing that who I was being didn't fit me. I realize that most kids at that age aren't comfortable in their own skin, but, at the end of that school year, I recognized what it was that wasn't working for me. It was my "joiner" behavior. I chose not to behave like that. At my first high school, I asserted my choice by (loudly) disagreeing with my religion teacher. But I still had lots of friends. At my second high school, I started off with a resolve to not make any friends at school. This increased desire for isolation was primarily because of my health. But joining the gifted class made that virtually impossible. That was an odd place to be in. I was an outsider automatically, but somehow that threw me into a certain role and that resulted in me joining without being aware. For a few while, I had loads of fun, but it old fast and I pulled away, along with a few of my closest friends. In university, I met a lot of people at the beginning, but somehow, I'm now very isolated. For the first time, I don't know if it was by choice. Maybe I just so used to pushing to be on my own that I pushed before I had those few really close friends that keep you from being lonely. Or maybe I got caught up in a relationship at the expense of new friendships and as a result, got left with only that relationship. Or maybe there's no explanation, or it's combination, or something. It doesn't really matter. The fact is, that for the first time in my life, I'm lonely. It's not a matter of having or not having friends exactly. I have wonderful friends. But I'm still lonely.
The two teachers who've been most influential on me have both told me that I'm a loner. Correction, one called me a loner. The other called me "challenging" and gave that as a reason I'd never get married. The thing is, I'm not entirely a loner. Yes, I spend a lot of time studying and my health condition does limit what I'm able to take on. But I still love a good conversation or laughing or dancing with others. I really enjoy being around people...sometimes. What it comes down to is that I like to have a choice whether I want to be alone or with people. I don't feel I have that choice anymore. I think I care more about the choice than I care about being a joiner or a loner. When it was my decision, I could be confident in me. Without the choice, I'm stuck and out of control.

When I started writing this post, I had a point. I don't remember what it was.

Math mistakes

2006-11-24T22:41:00.000-05:00

I'm not even if I could pick a favourite. Though if I had to, I think "Here it is" would be the one I'd go with.

(Saman, please explain these to Soos.)

I will write a longer post with more than 60 words if someone gives me a good idea of what to write, provided anyone still reads this thing.

I should have stayed in bed

2006-05-11T12:40:00.000-04:00

It had only been raining lightly all morning. Of course, as soon as I leave to walk to the library, the sky opens up. I get to the library, completely drenched. The only avaliable copy of the book I need is the one my prof put on hold. It's the wrong edition and there had been a lot of changes between the two editions. I tried to do a few questions of the assignment anyway, only to discover some notes I needed were at home. So I walk home and my umbrella breaks. By the time I get home, there is so much water in my shoes that I can feel it moving between my toes as if I were swimming. And it's not even 1 p.m.
I'm going back to bed. Hopefully when I get up again, this day will be better.

(Sorry for the grouchy post but there's no one here to bitch to and I'm (justifiably) cranky.)

Divorce

2006-04-11T23:27:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: This may offend some people. Please do not keep reading if divorce is a sensitive subject for you. I just need to get this off my chest.

I hate divorce. In principle, I believe it is wrong. I used to think that belief was just my Catholic roots showing, but now, more than ever, I believe it. It's painful for everyone in my family right now. To hear the strain and emotional exhaustion in my mom's voice brought me to tears as soon as I hung up the phone. She's being so solid for so many people in the family right now. I don't know how she does it. My grandpa is upset but he's so stoic that he won't talk about it. I know it's really hard on my grandma. She and Grandpa set such a wonderful example (married for 50+ years now) but now 3 of 4 of their children have divorced. I know she wonders what else she could have done. She is a beautiful and wise woman. I admire her so much. It's not fair. No one should hurt my grandma. And I just keep thinking of my two little cousins. They're only 6 and 3 years old. Those guys really need both their parents. And they know what's going on. I just want to hug them.

Not talkin' 'bout a year
No not three or four
I don't want that kind of forever
In my life anymore
Forever always seems
to be around when it begins
but forever never seems
to be around when it ends
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do from you

It seems like I don't have as much right to be upset as everyone else, but I am upset nonetheless. My uncle has been part of my family for nearly 10 years. I was a bridesmaid at the wedding. And now, I might never see him again. At the same time, I'm angry at him ... and at her. How can you be so in love and then, in time, fall so far from that that you loose all hope of making it better? I'm mad at him for crying on the phone to my brother. I'm mad at them for not making it work; for having kids if they can't handle marriage; and for hurting my grandma.

People spend so much time
Every single day
Runnin' 'round all over town
Givin' their forever away
But no not me
I won't let my forever roam
and now I hope I can find
my forever a home
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

When my dad first told me, I was shocked (not surprised, but shocked). I spent the weekend talking about marriage, love, and relationships with my dad, my mom, and my grandma (all very wise people, especially on this topic). Based on these conversations, these are my conclusions:
- Through marriage, you become family. You cannot break-up with family. You can have fights. You can have rough times. But you are stuck together, through it all. You cannot divorce your brother because he's annoying you. He's your brother, no matter what.
- Love isn't enough. You won't always be in love. My dad told me you fall in and out of love. The key is to be respectful and honest at all times, in love or not. To me, there is comfort in the idea that you get to keep falling in love, over and over.
- No matter how much good advice you get, you still have to figure it out for yourself.

Like a handless clock with numbers
An infinite of time
No not the forever found
Only in the mind
Forever always seems
to be around when things begin
but forever never seems
to be around when things end
So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you.

Another Saturday night ...

2006-03-25T22:38:00.000-05:00

Today is Saturday. My evening consisted of watching skating on tv, starting my group theory assignment, walking to campus to get a copy of my applied real analysis assignment, and practicing the material for my dance final at a studio at the gym. On my way home from the gym, it was clear that the majority of the people I passed by were heading to various bars. This caused me to wonder, which is sadder: The geeky manner in which I spent my Saturday night, or that everyone flocks to bars just because it's Saturday night?
My night was sad because I didn't need to work. My usual excuse that I have to much work to do just doesn't hold right now. I could do all my work tomorrow without a problem. Tonight, I was simply being my anti-social self. And I wonder why I don't have any friends.
On the other hand, there is something oh so pathetic about heading out to the bar just because it's Saturday night and you have to go out on Saturday night or you're like, totally, like, a loser. I'm all for going out for a celebration every once in a while (like at end of each term), but the idea of dressing like a whore and getting drunk every weekend is not appealing to me.
I suppose both options are pathetic in their own special way. But I chose my path a long time ago (though I suppose it chose me to a certain extent) and that's just the way it is.
You know, there really isn't any point to this post. Just an observation.

Ideas are bullet-proof

2006-03-19T11:18:00.000-05:00

So in a rare occasion, I left my house for something other than class. No, it wasn't to buy cookies or to bug people at Perimeter. I actually did something relatively social. I went to a movie. With people. And not just Em and Jon. Goat and Max were there too. So why this momentous occasion? What could possible tear me away from the comfy couch and my free cable tv? I'll give you a few hints: Wachowski brothers, Hugo Weaving, and just so you know I'm not talking about the Matrix (since I have that at home so it would keep me on the couch, not tear me away from it), a bald Natalie Portman. That's right, V for Vendetta.
Now I've been just a tad bit excited about this movie. If you can't figure out why, smack yourself. That being said, I had a couple of concerns going into this one: The acting, and the Wachowski brothers. The acting was a concern because they slapped a mask on the awesome actor (Hugo Weaving) and left the movie in the hands of Natalie Portman. Now, the last thing I saw Natalie Portman in was Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith. If you saw that movie, I should not have to explain any further. If you haven't seen the movie, well, good. That would mean I was not the last person on earth to see the Star Wars movies. My reason for concern regarding the Wachowski brothers was the same reason I was excited to see the movie. The Wachowski brothers are the guys behind the Matrix movies. So it's obvious why I'd be excited about another movie from these guys. But I was worried it would be like waiting for Weezer to do another album on par with Pinkerton.
Luckily, the Wachowski brothers didn't pull a Beverly Hills. V for Vendetta rocked my socks. Hugo Weaving's incredible acting ability was in no way hampered by the mask. If anything, the mask helped distance V from Smith (unlike in Lords of the Rings, where I feel compelled to finish all of Elrond's lines with "... Mr. Anderson"). All of V's speeches were Smith's-Why?-speech-in-Revolutions level of awesome and no one could carry those off like Hugo Weaving. And speaking of the writing, apparently, if you give Natalie Portman solid dialogue (unlike in Star Wars), she can really act. There were so many ways her character could have gone wrong (and taken the whole movie down with it) but she pulled it off. (And now I want to shave my head more than ever.)
Good acting, good dialogue ... clearly, not a Matrix mimic. But there was no mistaking that this movie was a Wachowski brothers’ movies. There was butt kicking, a little bit of bullet-time, black boots/capes, and multiple allusions. But they didn't just do the Matrix with a different setting. The Matrix was a mind trip, calling into question personal philosophy and reality itself. V for Vendetta was a dark, yet oddly humorous, political satire. The ideas of the movie are foreign to anyone who has read Orwell's 1984, but they twisted those ideas to make them obviously poignant in today's political climate.

In conclusion, that movie was definitely worth getting off my couch, getting dressed up (read: my shirt matched my zippy, as opposed to wearing Jon's old sweatshirt as per usual), leaving the house, and paying to see that movie (instead of just downloading it like we normally do) ... and that says a lot.

A fallen hero, a lesson learned

2006-03-07T22:36:00.000-05:00

After much (way too much) anticipation (on my part anyway), Lisa Randall came to Waterloo. Not only is she a non-homely female physicist, but she is the most referenced physicist in the past 5 years. I wanted to see how she presented herself, both in public and technical talks. Given how successful she has been in physics, she must have some secret to how she does it. I wanted to know that secret. And of course, I also had fantasies of her, upon discovering my brilliance, becoming my life-long friend and guide through the crazy, male-dominated world of physics.

First, I attended her sold out public lecture that was part of a promotion tour for her new pop science book. It was very interesting, but what particularly impressed me was how she handled the oh-so-moronic audience questions. Question: "Last time physicists had their way, we got the atomic bomb. How do we know the black holes created in CERN's particle collider won't end up being the same kind of thing?" Answer: "Firstly, I'd just like to say ... nice hat. The black holes being created are small and ... " [a far more reasonable explanation than the question deserved.] After the lecture, Lee invited Jon and I to lunch the next day so we could meet Lisa Randall before her technical talk.

So Jon and I joined Lee and a few researchers and post-docs at the Bistro. There was a seat being saved (between myself and Fotini) for none other than Lisa Randall (insert: *squeal* I'm going to meet her!). Lee introduced us and then she proceeded to not talk to anyone at the table aside from Lee (and a bit to Fotini) for the rest of lunch. They talked about one guy from Harvard, writing books, and how she had been travelling so much and was worried about catching her flight later that afternoon since it had started to snow. Oh and she was, in my opinion, rude to the waiter. Ok so not quite the meeting I'd hoped for. So I resolved to ask her my questions after the talk.

She showed up late for her talk and then sped through it. For the similar reasons to why I'd admired how she'd dealt with questions the night before, I was disappointed with how she dealt with them at the technical talk. She was short and flippant, even with questions from John Moffat. When I approached her after the lecture, she just told me to email her because she didn't have time. So there was her secret. She dealt with everything by being curt, flippant...in short, a bitch. Some secret.

I emailed her anyway, not really expecting a reply. At least, not any time soon. But she did reply and within two days. And this was her email to me:

This will perhaps sound corny and not so useful but really the key thing is to have confidence and faith in yourself. This isn't to say that you don't want to work hard and listen but ultimately you have to believe that your'e smart and talented. If you're not sure, compare yourself to your colleagues and at least be convinced you are as good. You really want to be able to collaborate and argue and engage in the ideas--they are yours for the grasping.

Hope this helps-

Best, Lisa Randall

Apparently, there's more to that secret. I wanted a clear-cut answer, a plan of how to deal with being a female in physics. But of course, it's never that simple. She gave me the answer, but I think I already knew. I just wanted it to be simpler. It's the balancing act: between confidence and arrogance, truth and appearance. She's certainly not my newest bestest friend, but I'm pretty sure I learned more this way.

Drunken post

2006-02-16T00:15:00.000-05:00

Calculus didn't go well so I'm now very drunk. Jon didn't know I'd already had a beer when he came over and then he made me two very strong drinks and now I'm plastered and he's shaving. We watched Scrubs. I'm scared of my Group Theory midterm on friday. I have to fix a lot of my spellings and there will probably still be mistakes. I just forgot that one little damn thing that he'd only talked about once one class (and it wasn't in the text book) and it's probably going to drop my mark a lot. Stupid lack of luck. I'm not a lucky test writer. Stupid tests. At least it isn't making me feel stupid.
I like posting when I'm drunk. I'm sure it's not all that interesting to read but too bad. Don't read it then. But hey, if you've got to here, you've already read most of it. Or maybe all...I don't know how much more I have to write.
I should go to bed now because I have a dance midterm tomorrow morning and I'll probably be hungover. I just needed to stop thinking about that stupid calc midterm. Bodmann is stupid. Hopefully, the hangover won't affect my dancing tomorrow. I feel like I'm good at dance. I like doing things I feel like I'm good at. I wish I was as good (or better) at math and physics. Maybe I should be a dance teacher because I'm too old to be a dancer.
Ok enough drunken ramblings.
Good night one and all.

Today was a good day

2006-01-26T20:51:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's just this time of year or maybe it's just my creepy calc prof, but I've been so easily stressed and depressed. But today was an exception. I slept in since Tuesdays and Thursday are my late start days. Then I had my dance class and I was flying today. I was picking up the sequences easily so I could really dance them rather than focusing on getting the steps down. And when we got to the jumps, I was flying. After class, my teacher pulled me aside asked if she could use me for demos since she's 4 months pregnant. I was flattered to say the least. And then I got home and discovered that my calc assignment was not as bad as I expected it to be. Ooh and I had a shrimp quesadilla for dinner. All that and I have a surprise date with Jon tomorrow night to look forward to. These may seem like small things but it's been all the small things getting me down. It might not seem like much, but it is.
I like good days.

Christmas summary

2006-01-01T17:43:00.000-05:00

Driving home from Waterloo
- God it was good to hang out with Jamie again ... I missed him
Giftee get-together
- interesting to see people are doing now
- got boring fast
- awesome to hear how excited Sam is about what she's studying
Lee Smolin's basket party
- guests were to bring certain things to put in these baskets that went to new immigrant families so they would have everything they need for a holiday dinner
- there were artists, musicains, lawyers, dancers, philosophers, radio/tv directors, and of course, a few scientists
- great conversations with this eclectic group of people
- Lee and his wife, Dina were so gracious hosts without a stitch of it being fake or forced
- discovered I liked "grown-up" parties
- saw Lee scold his dog, Emily
- definite highlight of my holiday
Kris Kringle
- Jon and Laura (my cousin Matthew's girlfriend) fit right in
- John made salmon just for me. So tasty
- my little cousin got the cd "Dance Mix 2006" and I blurted out "Oh I had 'Dance Mix 1996'" ... I am old.
- we looked at Laura's picture's from Africa on a make-shift big screen. I love baobabs
Christmas in London
- I slept ... a lot
- Jon impressed Diane and everyone else by making chocolate chip pancakes on Christmas morning
- my parents got Jon an apron that everyone (from both side of my family) had signed
- my favourite gifts were ballet tickets, the gift from my brother (shirt and UVic clipboard with a letter inside), an mp3 player (that I initially thought was a cell phone and was disappointed because I didn't want to pay the monthly costs), and a TI-84 Plus graphing calculator.
- everyone seemed to be very relaxed
- I really liked having Jon there
- one of the best Christmases ever
Hannukah Dinner
- probably the most relaxed I've been at one of Jon's family dinners
- I got a sari!
Dinner with Jon's Dad and Step-mom
- they had the prettiest ornaments on their tree
- key to surviving dinner with Brian and Rose: drink
- surprisingly, I really got along with Rose. She didn't put on any airs
- more enjoyable than I thought it would be
Night out with the skating girls
- dinner at Johnny Baker's, skating at the old rink, and then out to Piccadilly's ... some things never change
- Diane's "warm" welcome ... again, some things never change
- oh my has the sex talk progressed
- for all that we've all gone our separate ways, there is something special about that group. We've grown up together and there was never the backstabbing and competing that is typical of groups of girls. I really felt like I could just relax and be myself.
- a surprising highlight of the holiday
Triangle movie night
- awww Georgie's in love
- the triangles manage yet another spectacular wrap job ... shemales for Soos!
- smooooothies
- Office Space and of course, the Matrix
- I missed hanging out with the Triangles
New Year's Eve
- back to Waterloo
- Dirty Minds is a fun games (especially when you don't follow the rules)
- jokes, drinks, and good friends ... what a way to start the new year

All in all, Christmas break, hectic though it was, was everything I wanted (or needed) it to be: I got lots of sleep, had fun with my family, had good conversations with my brother, and was reminded that I do in fact, have really good friends.

Sick and rambling

2005-11-28T13:50:00.000-05:00

Instead of coming back from Toronto feeling refreshed and motivated, I've come back sick. Aside from the long conversation with my brother, and dinner and church with my dad, the trip was disappointing and more stressful than staying in Waterloo. My parents' house is so different now. It smells like Nana's house and the beds and pillows feel like Grandma's place. With the main floor under construction, the new couch in the basement, and my room being so empty, all my favourite calming things about my parents' house aren't there anymore.

Though I am never going in a mall in Toronto by myself again and I hate shopping, I am happy to have winter boots. I got the heavy-duty uberwarm, waterproof ones. I doubt they'd be considered fashionable but given what's considered fashionable these days, I'm good with that. The sales lady looked at me like I was from another planet when I asked if the boots were waterproof. That shouldn't be an odd question.

I have a midterm tomorrow, but unless I get a lot healthier, I'm getting a doctor's note. I want to study. DEs is fun. Even E&M is more fun than being sick like this.

New Year's Eve is going to be awesome this year. Quiet and low-key. Board games and few friends at my place in Waterloo. It'll be nice to be back in Waterloo to have a few days to relax before classes start after my hectic Christmas. I'm looking forward to it.

I should have a nap.

In search of exceptional solutions

2005-11-14T23:22:00.000-05:00

I've always loved to stand out of the crowd, to be the exception. No matter how much I would say that I didn't like being the one to beat because of the pressure, I loved all of it. I even loved complaining about the pressure of being on top. It has always been part of the appeal to physics. Fate it seems is not without a sense of irony. (5 points for whoever gets the reference, except for triangle members...you guys get shamed if you don't get it.) But then again, reality is uglier than ideas. No matter how many times I tell myself I'm intelligent and that I don't have to prove that to anyone, there are only so many condescending explanations of a wrong answer that is asserted strongly as correct that I can endure before starting to feel like an idiot.
I wish I could chalk it up to something other than the gender issue, but from what I can see, nothing else works. I'm constantly getting told what and how I should learn and do my assignments (when I haven't even asked for help) by guys, not by girls. The same idea, if voiced by myself and by a male, is more like to be accepted if presented by the latter. And I'm not so deaf as to miss the whispers that I would not be able to achieve what I have, academically speaking, if I weren't dating an upper year student.
So what am I to do? I have no intention of dropping out of physics, compromising/lowering myself, or breaking up with Jon. Perhaps if I phrased my questions/statements differently ... But I want to be able to complain freely with my friends without worrying. I could try to just let it roll off my back ... But I've never been very good at that and it grates on me. I could just tell them to fuck off ... But the ones that hit the hardest are people I consider friends. I could act as arrogant as the guys do ... But I'd be labelled a bitch and it's just not right for me. I want to learn and communicate my way. If you have a suggestion of a solution, I'd love to hear it.

Holidays?

2005-11-11T19:55:00.000-05:00

As usual, now that Haloween is over, the Christmas season has begun. At least, it has for advertisers. Though I have started thinking about what to get people for Christmas, I still find it jarring to see the orange and black jellybeans costing half what the red and green jellybeans cost. Not that I have anything against discounted Haloween candy (and there's nothing wrong with going through 95 mini chocolate bars in a weekend between three people). And I love Christmas music, but hearing it for almost two months (that's 1/6th of the year) leading up to Christmas is a bit much. I love getting in the Christmas spirit, I just don't like having it rammed down my throat. Especially when I have two tests, 5 exams, and many assignments to get through before Christmas. November is too drab and stressful for me to be in the Christmas spirit. Once December hits and classes have ended, then I will study for exams and slowly start to get into the Christmas spirit. But for now, I will be as much of a Grinch as I so please.

Understanding E&M ... I wish

2005-11-10T00:04:00.000-05:00

My hate for E&M is ever intensifying. I'm floundering in a way I've never experienced before. Every question of every assignment is demoralizing. The text is cryptic, my prof can't teach, and I don't feel I can trust/understand the explanations that others offer; I'm running out of resources. So new plan: harass the prof. That's how I got through Computer Programming last year so hopefully it will work in this case too.

I wish I didn't get down on myself so easily. I wish I were smarter and quicker. I wish when I got frustrated with assignments, I wouldn't take it out on those closest to me. I wish others wouldn't take it out on those around them when their condfidence is shaken. I wish people could admit when they're wrong. I wish people could really listen and understand each other. I wish other people didn't hide behind arrogance. I wish my ego were more resiliant. I wish growing up didn't involve losing friends. I wish I knew what the point of it all is. I wish I had all the answers.

Resurrected

2005-10-20T18:49:00.000-04:00

The reason that I have not posted for so long is two-fold:
1) We didn't have internet for 5 weeks.
2) I'm lazy.
3) Midterms (yes, I realize that that generally means more posts but I didn't get a chance to procrastinate)
4) I'm lazy.
You'd think after a long absence, I would have to have an extra long up-date post, but no (see reason 2 but not 4).

So here goes my summary of the last two months:
Lots of Star Trek (I am Hugh) ... a birthday party for Jon ... Smolin invites me to Wine and Cheese and I end taking a Philosophy of Science grad course ... got transfered to the 2nd year modern dance class because I had too much dance training for the 1st year class and loving it ... discovering a work ethic ... lots of lentils and pitas ... losing work ethic due to illness ... an incredible meal at Sole ... one of the nicest thanksgivings in recent memory (I love it when my family gets drunk) ... 1 year anniversary (pretty necklace. It sparkles.) ... Max and Jon make us fancy food like shrimp things and creme brule ... explaining General Relativity and the photoelectric effect at EinsteinFest ... washing underwear in the sink ... actually doing well on midterms (E&M midterm never happened. I mean, what E&M midterm?) ... getting dumped by my pride and then drowning my sorrows in chocolate, pizza, wings, and cheesy bread

Hopefully, I shall now be posting on a somewhat more regular basis.

Good-bye yellow brick road, one year later

2005-09-03T00:37:00.000-04:00

I should be asleep but I probably won't be able to sleep because of the allergies anyway and I feel that I need to write an entry tonight. Why tonight? Well I started this blog roughly a year ago as I packed up my life and started university. For the sake of symmetry, it's interesting to compare my mind-set to what it was a year ago. I'm certainly less nervous. I know who I'm living with; I have friends there already; I know how university classes work. Good-byes weren't as hard mostly because I feel as though I've drifted away from a lot of my friends and the ones that I haven't drifted away from, I'm not worried about drifting away from now. However, there is more finality to it this year. I have already said that I will not be coming back to the dental office. I plan to stay in Waterloo next summer. That means it's my last night living at my parents' place. Tomorrow, I will take all my boxes and bags and other assorted containers filled with my personal belongings and move into my first apartment. I have been so excited about this apartment for months now (since mid-November of last year according to my blog). But tonight just feels odd. I can't put my finger on how or why. Maybe I just need some sleep.

Leaside Health Centre Vs. Perimeter Institute

2005-08-13T11:41:00.000-04:00

	LHC	PI
Mundane tasks	Yes, but varied with annoying ones involving insurance companies	Yes, but varied with interesting ones involving physics
Hours	4 days a week, 8-5	5 days a week, more or less 9-5
Location	In a building with a Finnish senior’s home, no windows, in Toronto	The building has won prizes for architecture, windows everywhere, in Waterloo
Boss	Uptight dentist who likes to hear the sound of his own voice and takes his stress out on me	Young physicist from Australia who doesn’t even find preparing an hour-long lecture 5 minutes before hand stressful
My ideas count	No	Yes
People around me	Secretaries who are interested in boring girly things like weddings	Students who have a passion for physics, math, learning, and life
Opportunities	No	Many
How I’m treated	With condescension and tolerance because it’s the ‘nice’ thing to help out a student	With respect for my input and gratitude for what I do, because menial as my tasks may be, they still need to be done.
How it lived up to my expectations	A let down. It was so much better last summer in comparison to Dominion.	Working at PI was as great as I’d hoped it would be.

WARNING: HP and the Half-Blood Prince spoiler

2005-08-07T15:22:00.000-04:00

I finished reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince last night. I must admit I'm disappointed. Earlier I had been speculating as to who could be the one to die. I was saying that it couldn't be Dumbledore because that would be too obvious and that's who J.K. Rowling seemed to be pointing too through most of the novel. I was hoping for a twist. But it never came. Snape was indeed a Death Eater and the Half-Blood Prince. Dumbledore died. Gryffindor won the Quidditch against all odds yet again. Hermione and Ron got together, as did Harry and Ginny. And while I'm on the topic of Harry and Ginnny, could there have been a lamer break-up?!? "Oh Ginny, I must leave you for your own good as I must be a noble lame-assed pussy." Then there was his whole coming-of-age "I'm going to fulfill my destiny" crap.

Overall, it was predictable, teen-angsty (it's a word now), and lame. This one really was just one big set-up for the last book. All that being said, I still couldn't stop reading it. They're addicting books. So I will, like many other, still eagerly await the final book, despite the Half-Blood Prince.

World Aquatic Championships all list-like

2005-07-26T20:20:00.000-04:00

(because I can't remember things chronologically and because it's been far too long since my blog has seen a random list, here it is; random, out of order, and list-like.)

- I met Alexandre Despatie. My mom has been trying to facilitate us meeting for a while now and finally it worked out this weekend. Our encounter consisted of the typical two cheek kiss and a lot of polite small-talk. Meanwhile, the woman my mom was talking to said he and I would be a good match because we were the same age. My mom nearly retorted with "No, she likes 'em smart."
- I like being a VIP. I didn't have to wait in lines, I had good seats to anything I wanted to see, and people were so nice to me. Though my brother didn't notice the last one. So maybe they were staring at my boobs and not my badge.
- Apparently, I look like Marianne Limpert. And now we have a picutre of the two of us together. That's an awkward conversation. Now I know my mom know Marianne and the fact that Marianne is such an elite athlete doesn't phase my mom but it's still strange. "Everyone says you look like my daughter who happens to be sitting right here."
- I dislike trains. They rock back and forth and make me naseous and then they're late. And people on trains snore and talk loudly.
- Old Montreal is very pretty. I want to do the sight-seeing thing there.
- There are other people in this world that think. Not many but it is so exciting to meet someone who does.
- You can learn so much from strangers. There's something special in my mind about having just one good conversation with someone you likely won't ever see again.
- I think the Russians and the Chinese are genetically modifying their athletes. How else do they get synchro teams where all 8 girls at skinny and leggy with 6 tall girls (all the same height) and 2 shorter girls to throw?
- I love that Canadian audiences will cheer just to see their athletes' names come up on the screen, even if it shows that those athletes are in last place.

Coming soon: What's been keeping Sonia's mind occupied.

Quote of the day:
Sonia: "Couldn't they have held on just 12 more hours?"
Saman: "It wouldn't have killed them."

Q.E.D.

2005-07-14T20:33:00.000-04:00

Quantum Mechanics is an enigma.
Sonia is an enigma.

Therefore, by the trasitive property, Sonia is Quantum Mechanics.

So drunk

2005-07-07T00:28:00.000-04:00

I'm very drunk. That beer was very drunkening. I know that's not a word. But I don't care. Stewie is awesome. I should drink more often. But not on school I mean work nights. Damn work.

As time goes by...

2005-07-05T22:39:00.000-04:00

This day and age we're living in
Gives cause for apprehension
With speed and new invention
And things like fourth dimension.

Yet we get a trifle weary
With Mr. Einstein's theory.
So we must get down to earth at times
Relax relieve the tension

And no matter what the progress
Or what may yet be proved
The simple facts of life are such
They cannot be removed.

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you."
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.

Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny.

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

This summer is passing all too fast and yet, not fast enough. I want to move back to Waterloo, to settle into my apartment, and to not have to work at the dental office anymore. But I haven't done any of the things I had planned, read any of the books I'd wanted to, or spent as much time with friends as I'd like. And it seems like the rest of the summer is booked up. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to go to Montreal for the World Aquatic Championships and to work at PI for a week. And this past weekend at the cottage was great. But I just feel like this summer is going to slip by without me accomplishing what I wanted to. Isn't that always the way.

I'm sitting here working on my presentation for ISSYP. (For those of you who don't know, I've been hired to help out with the International Summer School for Young Physicists at the Perimeter Institute. I've also been asked to give a talk.) I'm trying to go through the major theories in physics to give key ideas. This will be interesting when I get to the stuff I don't know yet. This is more fun than you might think. I haven't been this content while working on something since doing calculus assignments. You think that might mean something?

Where to turn

2005-06-27T21:30:00.000-04:00

I'm really excited about the Canada Day long weekend for a number of reasons.
1) No work.
2) I just plain love Canada Day.
3) I get to go to my cottage.
4) I get to see my cousins.
5) Em's coming to town. The ADD tw...I want a bunny.
6) Car rides with Max, Em, and Jon.

Random note: I feel like I hardly spend any time with my friends any more. How did I have so much more time last summer?

The Musical Baton

2005-06-21T22:44:00.000-04:00

(At some point, I promise to actually put some creative effort into this and stop just putting up chain journal messages. You can blame George for this one.)

Total volume of music files on my computer: 3.55GB

The last CD I bought was: I don't remember. Probably something for someone else. I don't so much buy CDs as get Jon to download them for me.

Song playing right now: "Sway" - Michael Buble (The last song I ever saw Shae and Vic skate to together.)

Five songs I listen to a lot, five that mean a lot to me:
-i listen to a lot-
1) "Our Endless Numbered Days" - Iron & Wine (the whole album)
2) "Someday Never Comes" - CCR
3) "Transatlanacism" - Death Cab for Cutie (again, the whole album)
4) "Beautiful Day" - U2
5) "When I'm 64" - Beatles

-mean a lot-
1) "Sodom South Georgia" - Iron & Wine
2) "Passenger Seat" - Death Cab for Cutie
3) "Nothing Better" - The Postal Service
4) "Forever" - Ben Harper
5) "The Good Life" - Weezer

Three (yes, I know it's supposed to be 4) people to whom I’m passing the baton:
Emily
Jon
Kate (so you'll actually post in your blog)

Because I have to

2005-06-01T06:45:00.000-04:00

01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal.

Genius

2005-05-23T22:21:00.000-04:00

What is genius? Is it just seeing the world differently? How do you know if you see the world different than everyone else since you cannot ever truly see through a different person's perspective? Is it simply questioning and searching for answers constantly? Does insanity necessarily accompany genius and exceptional intelligence, in some degree or another? Where is the line drawn between insanity and genius? Can a balanced, socially-adjusted person be a genius? Who can identify a genius? How important is an innate and unfailing belief in oneself, to the point of arrogance? Is there a pattern to genius or is it entirely individual, depending on the person, time period, and subject? Is there only one kind of genius or is there a multitude of various types? How much of the brilliant insights can be attributed to luck? Are there geniuses who never make a mark? If so, then why don't they? How does one know if they have enough brilliance that they have a responsibility to change the world? For great accomplishments, is it necessary to be brilliant, or is it enough to just want to discover something and believe that you can? How is brilliance best harnessed to produce results? Does education help or hinder brilliance? Is there anything to be said for naive, uneducated ideas? What other characteristics, if any, must be present, aside from brilliance, to accomplish something great? Tenacity, hard work, passion, dedication, curiosity, love for aesthetics?

The literary geniuses: Shakespeare, Tolstoy, Hemmingway, Elliot. The artistic geniuses: Van Gogh, Monet, Michelangelo. The musical geniuses: Mozart, Beethoven, Bach. The legendary geniuses: Feynman, Nash, Newton, and of course, the name synonymous with genius, Einstein. The brilliant leaders of today: Smolin, Rovelli, Whitten, Baez, Penrose. Just to name a few. Is there a pattern?

What is it that makes a genius?

What is essential is invisible to the eye.

2005-04-15T23:33:00.000-04:00

And is it not a matter of consequence to try to understand why the flowers go to so much trouble to grow thorns which are never of any use to them?

My curiosity may just kill me if all the books I plan to read this summer fall on my head. I’m very excited to be able to just read. I’ve already re-read the Little Prince (I know there were no signs of that in this post) and I’m working on the Te of Piglet. I plan to start the summer with light stuff; a mix of philosophy and pop science. Then, I plan to research epistemology, read up on the debate on the nature of time, and learn quantum mechanics. Ambitious, I know. But there’s something wonderful about 4 months to explore whatever questions I want.

One loves the sunset, when one is so sad...

As I walked across a field today and watched the sunset, it hit me; I am going back to my old life. I have to pack up my whole room here and go back to Toronto. In a few weeks, I'll be living with my parents, doing almost exactly what I was a year ago. And for all that last spring/summer was a lot of fun, I'm very different now. I don't know where my home is. I'm comfortable here in Waterloo and I feel a great deal of ownership and pride in the life I've created for myself here. It's so exciting to watch my career starting as a direct consequence of my actions. But I don't have a place here that is mine; just our residence room. But I will in a few months when we get our apartment. In Toronto, there are people that I have cared about for much longer and there are things I have missed. But will it be the same with them? I know that things will be strained with my dad. He doesn't know how to deal with me. I don't want to fight but he has to understand that he cannot treat me like an irresponsible little girl anymore. I may not completely be an adult, but I am responsible for myself. I've proven that this year.

It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.

I am proud of what I’ve done this year. First and foremost, because I looked after my health, I didn’t relapse. This term, I’ve also pulled up my marks substantially. I’ve made a lot of opportunities for myself to get involved with outreach. I handed assignments in early. I will get a mark in my computer programming course that will rival that of people who have programmed before; even if I had to work for it. I managed to skip over two questions on an exam, put them out of my mind, and come back to them, all the while staying calm.

Well, I must endure the presence of two or three caterpillars if I wish to become acquainted with the butterflies.

I don’t like being not listening to or treated differently because I’m female. I also don’t like be written off as a bra-burning, extreme feminist when I mention that I don’t like that PhysClub is exclusionary and discriminatory towards women. I don’t like that people feel it is okay to justify those discriminatory actions because I am a minority. Too many people seem to just accept that explanation. I want to change that. I want to change that that is accepted and I want to change the fact that women are a minority in physics. I do like that there are people other than me that will continue to stand up against it. I’m not fighting for rights; I just want to be treated like a person.

To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you I shall be unique in all the world …

When I look back at my first year of university, I know that I won’t remember the stress or fluid dynamics. I will remember skipping out of frosh week activities to be anti-social and watch Gilmore Girls in our room…avoiding everyone at the college … getting Vietnamese (mostly first term) or Persian (mostly second term) and watching Gilmore Girls … avoiding community dinners … talking each other out of studying … calculating the mark we need to pass instead of studying … 2 a.m. conversations about dividing by zero … scaring ourselves silly because of little noises and then talking until we fall asleep … napping … lamest snowball fight ever and then just lying in the snow as a break from studying … analyzing everything … dreaming about food and having an apartment … pizza and chocolate milk day … Wolfgang … looking up what the most popular names were in each year in the 20^th century … getting mistaken as sisters, twice by the same guy … explaining everything by ‘because you smell’ … quote wall … blog wars. I will remember staying up until 5 in the morning simply because we got lost in good conversation … staying up until ungodly hours every night that week … half a licorice stick without even asking … asparagus and donkey konga … seeing the northern lights … brownies … going to a bat mitzvah … dancing in the back of a convenience store … lying in bed all day … studying for calculus (Extreme Mean Rolles) … sitting under the stairs with the green and white walls and the exit sign, feeling like we’re in an artsy movie … watching the different generations of the Family Feud in Indy … Godiva cheesecake … Sven (no arms, no legs, no teeth), God (the knife-thrower), Lucifer (the pacifist) and the War on Cheese … spending an afternoon at Perimeter … watching the stars come out … food can make me a fan of anything, even celebrating 6 month “anniversaries” … you taking care of me while I was sick … Iron and Wine – Such Great Heights … learning that if Celina and I both go to get drinks, they will be stronger … dancing at a goth bar … the real reason I could never go to a strip club … the stained-glass jewellery box with the figure skater on the front … having the whole rink to myself for my birthday and watching you try to skate backwards … trying to identify constellations even if it’s freezing cold.

Look up at the sky. Ask yourselves: Is it yes or no? Has the sheep eaten the flower? And you will see how everything changes …

And no grown-up will ever understand that this is a matter of so much importance!

Wish list

2005-03-21T14:58:00.000-05:00

(Credit to Emily for the idea of this list.)

Things I want to have, to have happen, to do, or to be able to do...

sleep; eat good food; eat fresh salmon made on the bbq at my cottage; water-ski; drink milk; drink chocolate milk; let a piece of chocolate melt in my mouth; lie in the sun reading a good story on a sunday afternoon; stretch; dance; skate; fly; eat an entire meal comprised of samples at Costco with my mom; work-out without being in pain for a few days after; skate with the technique and strength I used to have; win the Olympics; not be sick anymore; impress my dad; learn the latin rhythm dances; take hip-hop dance lessons; just let loose and dance; all three kinds of splits; understand time; manipulate time; secretly do something to make someone happy so they never find out that I'm the one that did it; watch people's faces as they smile and laugh; never hurt anyone I care about; understand human emotion; tell O'Donovan that we're laughing at him, not with him; be less cynical; go laugh at the movie, the Ice Princess, with Saman and Soosen; go dancing with my skating girls; watch the Matrix documentaries with George; watch Gilmore Girls with Emily; make new friends; spend a few hours on the phone with Anne; throw ping-pong balls at O'Donovan everytime he makes a bad joke; make ammends with anyone I've hurt in the past; stop imploding on myself; trust myself; reuinte with friends from my childhood; understand all math there is; answer the big questions of physics; be a free spirit; sit under a tree and think; go to the TSO; go to a jazz festival; get 100% on my calculus final; work at PI; live in a tree house in British Columbia; master telepathy and teleportation; be on time; wear formal-wear somewhere where it's inappropriate like to a bowling alley or Tim Hortons; dance in the streets very late at night; never get tired; be invincible; prove that I am smart enough; be the exception; be enigmatic, eccentric, authentic, unique, and other various adjectives beginning with vowels; write a book; eat grilled peppers; make and eat cheesy eggs; cook one really amazing meal to show Jon that I can make some that isn't PC or M&Ms; get an apartment; discover the meaning of life; watch Monty Python; for one day, speak only in Shakespeare or Simpson's quotes; get a stranger to tell me his or her life story; discover at least one quirk about every person I meet; not take things so personally; change someone's life; change the world; just hang out with Jamie; earn my parents' respect; let my parents know how much I respect, admire, and love them; thank each person who has ever helped me or had an impact on me; write music; cheoreograph skating routines for someone; figure out what I want from life; run around on freshly cut grass in bare feet; squish my toes in warm sand until I get down to the cold, damp layer; learn the tango; get silk toilet paper; wear perfume; be stunningly beautiful; read everything there is to read; sit on the dock at my cottage late at night and stare at the stars; listen to silence; eat a cinnamon bun on the dock in the early morning sun; tell everyone the truth; know the truth; mean something to someone who is not family or a close friend; be like Fotini; eat cheesecake; go see an opera in Vienna with Jon; eat really good quiche; be remembered; be pain-free without drugs; maintain a child-like sense of idealism and hope; plan my life even if it won't happen that way; stand on top of the Sugar Cube (aka Dana Porter); face my fears; never get desensitized to the sight of blood; change someone's mind; make people see both sides; see all sides; have a picnic with a basket and a checkered blanket; tell off people on PhysClub; walk down Queen St.; people-watch in the Beaches; climb trees in the Beaches; rollerblade in the Beaches; see into my future; dream.

Balance

2005-03-08T23:33:00.000-05:00

How does one care without self-destructing? It takes passion to do something well, but if things don't go well, the fall is harder. Without caring, nothing great can be accomplished. Caring too much leads to getting hurt and disappointed.

The tests and exams that I have cared about and have felt confident for are the ones I've blown completely. But I care about those subjects because I enjoy them. If I don't care, I won't learn the material as well. But if I care too much, I'll just implode. So why care? It just gets me hurt.

How does one simultaneously be kind and true? Submission is not true, but, to use an old cliché, the truth hurts.

A long time ago, I decided that there was no way to please everyone so I decided to always go with what was true to me. For this decision, I have been called selfish, hypocritical, a walking-contradiction, and a bitch. I have survived by fighting with or just pushing those people away. But I can't survive on my own, try as I might, and there are some incredible people in my life that I care very much about. I don't want to push those people away but I certainly don't want to hurt them. What's so great about me that's worth fighting for anyway?

How does one maintain confidence? It seems it only takes the slightest thing to throw one into the extremes of over-confidence or self-deprecation. And if confidence is that easily shaken, it's not true confidence. Confidence should entail an element of constancy.

I have never felt so consistently stupid as I have since I came to university. I am surrounded by people who, like me, have been told they have talent and brains. I am also surrounded by a lot of guys who talk out their asses. Telling the difference, especially when they may know some things, has proved difficult. My confidence has always depended on what other people thought. If no one is telling me I'm smart, if my marks are low, who am I to argue with that? I mean, what do I know anyway?

How does one find equilibrium? Like standing in the middle of a see-saw, just one small change at the end, a young child gets on, and the equilibrium is gone. Between apathy and anxiety, compassion and honesty, arrogance and self-doubt; how does one walk that thin line?

Hold your breath.

Follow the white rabbit

2005-02-23T00:01:00.000-05:00

Wake up, Neo.
The Matrix has you.
Follow the white rabbit.
Knock, knock, Neo.

Today, I had my meeting with Fotini Markopoulou-Kalamara. My fears of the conversation being forced or filled awkward pauses were quickly calmed. She is friendly and down-to-earth, and we immediately started chatting away. We talked for two hours. I think we really hit if off. She gave me some good advice for dealing with exams. I have to stop caring so much. We even talked about skating. She wants me to send her information about the Campus Rec Learn to Skate program. For lunch , her friend from Paris joined us and I got to hear their stories of telling chauvinists to shove it and their frustrations with their mistakes on easy math. Nice to know that they are regular people who make mistakes. Not to mention, that was some incredible quiche. And of course, I felt pretty special when the bill came and Fotini took care of it with the explanation that I was her "guest".
However, it was even better than all that. Not only did I get to sit and chat with a world class physicist who also happens to be the only female long-term researcher at PI; not only did she treat me to a delicious meal; not only did I get valuble advice while starting a relationship with someone that I really admire; but I apparently impressed Fotini, because she is trying to get me a job working at PI with the outreach programs this summer. I didn't even imagine that would be a possbility after my first year, let alone to have Fotini endorsing me. But she strongly recommended that I do this now and do research during summers in my upper years. And as I was leaving she said, "I'd really like to see you working here." Sonia says, "Thank you." Sonia thinks, "WHOA! *excited flappy hand action* She actually wants to see me working here? Here...as in Perimeter Institute. *girlish squeal*"

I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole?

Needless to say, I've been pretty excited all day. I'm trying to avoid thinking about the logistics of working here in the summer (i.e. housing, money, and the fact that I've already committed to a great job in Toronto). On the one hand, I have commitments, financial security, and comfort at home. On the other hand, I could be at PI doing part of my dream job, but there's more uncertainty and risk and less money with that. If Fotini gets me a job, I'll have to choose between disappointing the Monczka's or disappointing Fotini. Either way, there will be consequences. There would definately be more risk in staying in Waterloo, but it is an incredible opportunity. I may have to make this decision and make it fast.

You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes....

My dream job

2005-02-13T13:02:00.000-05:00

Ever since I first read about the Perimeter Institute (PI), I've wanted to work there. But I know I don't want to do research. It's something I'd like to do for a while, but not forever. That begs the question, what do I plan on doing with my life? I like the philosophy behind PI. I love physics and math. I would really like to get other people excited about physics and math, especially young girls. I really enjoy coaching skating and working as a counsellor at OELC because I can get other people excited about things I'm passionate about. I like being able to leave my work at work and not bring the stress home with me. Too much repetition and I'll get bored. I cannot handle too much isolation, but I need to be in control of my own work. I need space and freedom for my ideas. And of course, patience is not a virtue that I possess now, nor will I ever possess it.
I can quickly rule some things out: research, teaching, secretarial work, and accounting. Nor does that list lend itself to careers in engineering or law. So then, what?
Recently, I came across the following job posting the PI website.

Director of Scientific Outreach

Perimeter Institute is an independent, resident based research institute devoted to foundational issues in theoretical physics. In addition to conducting scientific research activities at the very highest international standards, the Institute offers a wide range of educational outreach activities across Canada and is currently seeking a Director of Scientific Outreach to continue and expand these programs.

The Director of Scientific Outreach should hold a Ph.D. (preferred) in Physics or related area, be well versed in leading concepts in theoretical physics research, and be someone who is excited by the opportunity to share the joy of scientific discovery with others. The successful candidate must be able to continue and expand the full array of the Institute’s scientific programs by way of:

Teaching a variety of enrichment programs to pre-university students, teachers and the general public.
Creating new course content, including the development of graphics and printed materials targeted to various groups.
Managing key relationships and developing new partnerships among the educational community, scientific organizations, and political groups including granting councils.
Administering all aspects of Outreach operations including schedules, budgets, reports, and day to day activities.

That is exactly what I want to do. I could be at PI doing everything I want to do. And I'd be good at it. Even just for the simple reason that I'm not your stereotypical physicist; I'm female and I don't look like a geek.
I think I've found what I want to do for my career. And not in the 'I'm going to be a firefighter then an astronaut, then a vet...' sort of way. This is one dream I can make real.

Why I haven't posted...

2005-02-08T01:08:00.000-05:00

1) Work. Oh who am I kidding? Bejewelled.
2) I like sleep.
3) I now have seasons 3, 4, and most of 5 of Gilmore Girls on my computer.
4) My dog ate it.
5) There has been nothing noteworthy. Just more thoughts about growing up and a trip to the convenience store.
6) I'm content with my life. I have my stresses (i.e. computer programming) but generally, I'm happy with my life right now.
7) Ranting out loud is a lot more satisfying that typing out a rant.

Why am I posting now?
1) My brother got acceptance to university and I feel old.
2) It's the week before midterms and I'd like some proof at the end of next week that at some point, I really really liked integrals.
3) Computer programming was cancelled for the week. *That* is very noteworthy.
4) I like lists.

So I'm officially back in blogspace. ...for now. We'll see how long it lasts.

Old habits die hard

2005-01-19T23:24:00.000-05:00

If change is inevitable, why is it that old habits are just so hard to break out of? When I'm strong, healthy, and stress-free, of course I'm confident and happy. But all it takes is one sick day, some bad food (i.e. caf food), some added assignments with tight time constraints, and I break. Then I'm back to comparing myself to people, obsessing over petty/trivial things, and blaming myself. All the things I don't like about myself. Not as bad as in the past, but I break nonetheless. This talent of mine to self-destruct is something that needs to go. I need to find a way to be calm and content all the time, not just in between freak-outs.

If you've figured it out, do let me in on your secrets.

Title-less

2005-01-17T13:44:00.000-05:00

As of late, I have had less of an urge to write in this blog. The reason for this I believe is two-fold. 1) Things are much more settled this term. There simply isn't the drama there was last term. Of course, I could rant about bald, shiny, annoying O'Donovan or my sadistic physics lab TA but I'm lazy and it's so much easier to rant out loud. Aside from that, I'm just content and contentment doesn't make for an exciting blog. 2) The things that are on my mind can't be expressed in this medium. There certainly isn't a lack of things on my mind. They're just not the sort of thoughts that can be posted on a blog.

There is one thing worth noting. (Well I'm probably not a good judge of whether or not it is worth noting but I'm excited about it anyhow.) Coaching starts up again tonight and this term is going to be very different. Last term, the power skating class had 10 people in it. This term, there are 25 people registered and a waiting list. I know there may not be a correlation but I'm going to take it as a compliment. (I take enough things as insults that aren't really so that's how I justify taking this one the other way. Balance things out.) Also the other coach is the guy that ran the hockey program last term. It'll be helpful to have someone who knows hockey on the ice so I can defer the jackass trying to undermine me just because I'm a figure skater. Also, he quieter than I am which is key given that I'll take over anyhow. No clue how we'll manage 25 skaters but I guess we'll find out tonight, now won't we?

Various thoughts and happenings...

2005-01-12T21:02:00.000-05:00

-> I hate computers. But more importantly, I don't like people who know oh so much about computers, but can't explain any of it in plain English. At the very least, the prof should be able to explain things, even those that are 'so obvious'. Yeah, obvious if you've been writing computer programs for most of your life. It isn't obvious to me and as a teacher, it is your job to explain things, even those horribly simple things.

-> Anne's coming to Waterloo!! And we're going to have a girl's night out dancing. I haven't been out dancing in months. I'm really excited about her getting to meet everyone here.

-> I want to paint Prof. O'D's head like an easter egg. Or at least do something to cut down on the shine.

-> Another year older and this is a big one. 20. Yesterday, I turned 20. I'm halfway to 40, I'm no longer a teenager, and I'm now 'in my early 20s'. For all that I've joked about denying this birthday, and for all that I'm terrified of getting old, I'm also excited about it. It's an exciting point in my life.

-> I like not having to make decisions. I like surprises even more. Well safe surprises. Not the scary ones. I like the ones where you know it'll be good but you just don't know what it is.

-> I need to be active. Not working out, or not even going outside is a bad idea for not only my physical and mental health, but also for the happiness and well-being of those around me. I'm a cranky bitch if I don't get my endorphin rush. teehee I'm an endorphin junkie.

Note: I realize the high dullness factor of this post. But I haven't posted lately and so even though nothing exciting has happened lately that I can write about, I decided to post anyhow. So you get to read this lackluster post. Lucky you.

Communism Physics!

2005-01-04T22:14:00.000-05:00

New definition of communism: Works in theory, but doesn't exist in reality.

I am so cool. I am super bad.

How many times have you washed your hair in the last couple of days?
That's hard. Makes me have to think.

I'll if you.

Is that stripey thing a shirt or a scarf?

Jon's not funny. Make him stop talking.
I can say funny things. Just wait for it.

I like Vietnamese food.

I'm a mathlete. I want a shirt that proclaims this fact.

I love ... carpet? I love ... lamp? I drank a lava lamp.

The iguanas fly in squares...counter-clockwise.
No you fly in elipses.

This one's for all the suckers who still believe in love.

I'm not that desperate ... for content.

Hey look it's a bunny.

I'm not that much of a nerd.

These brownies are sticky.

I know she's only 12 ... but she looks 13.

A new year, a new address, a new era ... and the same old strangeness.

No place like home.

2004-12-22T01:24:00.000-05:00

So much for the expected relief and relaxation I thought I'd find upon coming back 'home'. Instead I found stress and cheap shots. Nothing I ever do will be good enough. I'm never going to meet my father's expectations. I will never be everything he wants me to be. And he and my mother pretty much expect me to fail in life in some way shape or form.

For the last four months, I've lived without constantly being told I'm not good enough. It's shown me that I don't have to live with that. I can command enough respect to be treated as my own person; that I am a good person. I've built a new life for myself at school. I am happy in that life.

This isn't my home anymore.

Apathy has rained on me

2004-12-16T23:00:00.000-05:00

As I walked home from a somewhat frustrating linear algebra exam, I began berating myself as is usually my reaction when things like this don't go well. But then I though, Given the situation, you did all you could. It's not great, but it's not bad either. That's right; the voice of reason, in my head of all places.
It boggles my mind that I can walk away from both my calc and algebra exams with a smile on my face, given how they went. I'm confident that I passed both exams but were this a year ago, I'd have broken down crying over exams like that and over having this little time to study and such. I'd be sick and stressed and down on myself. But instead, I'm fairly calm and happy, aside from being a bit tired (but what else is new) and a bit nervous before each exam. Of course it's a bit of a blow to my ego to having to work to just get by. But for some reason, I'm confident anyway. I really believe it will be better next term. Why? Just because. I may just have finally managed to take something on faith. Go figure.
Voice of reason, blind faith, calm...me? Not terms you'd usually associate with me, the girl's who has the nickname, 'dove on crack'. I guess it's just proof of how much I've changed and grown up. hehehe proof. I'm good at proofs. I can prove Fermat's Theorem, Unique Representation Theorem, that differentiability implies continuity, the Product Rule, that if H and K are subspaces H∩K is a subspace, and more. Just don't ask me to prove that f(x) goes to a certain limit from the definition. Stupid limit definitions.

Best room-mate ever!

2004-12-13T22:08:00.000-05:00

If there are ever any doubts about why Em and I can live together and still get along (read: not only refrain from killing each other, but actually, choose to spend time together), given my personality (read: insanity), this should make it clear >>>
Multiple Methods for Multiple Choice by Emily

Update: Emily is my hero. She just decided to look up that word so she grabbed her text book. A full minute or so later she exclaimed "Oh this is physics!"

Foss-fa-tiddle-lie-noss-i-tol

Inventions of my insanity

2004-12-12T23:22:00.000-05:00

Ouch. Why does calculus hate me? Algebra better not have changed sides. We were friends but I have been spending a lot of time with Calculus lately. Maybe Lin alg is jealous. I like rice cakes. At least they still like me. I think. Maybe they're all plotting against me. Already there was the omelet attack yesterday. Really! Who puts cottage cheese in an omelet? Caf food hurts me. It's part of the axis of evil too. If they get sleep on their side, I'm screwed because he can unleash insomnia on me.

Sonia should go to sleep. But instead, Sonia will continue to review the endless formulas (or formulae for those of you with a pill up your ass) and theorems that make her head spin. Sonia should also stop writing in third person because it's annoying in hell.

However, you do like annoying people, especially since Calculus is making you want to cry. So you won't talk in 1st person. You don't want to make it easy for people just like Calculus doesn't want to make it easy for you. Your bangs are in your face. Stupid bangs. You'll get them cut in a week. You have 5 exams in this week. You are the walrus, cu-cu-cuchoo.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls,
Pop Goes The World, By Men Without Hats
May I inquire discreetly,
When you are free,
To take some tea with me.
They're creepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They're all together ooky,
The Addams Family.
To the Love Shack
I got me a Chrysler, it seats about 20.
So hurry up and bring your jukebox money.
For this poor Americano
knows little of you speech.
And you're turning tricks
with your crucifix
You're a star.
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
Didn't make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
What I like about you
you keep me warm at night
And i know that it's not a party
if it happens every night
You keep samin' when you oughta be changin'.
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
there'll be sun.
Oh, I could hide ’neath the wings
Of the bluebird as she sings.
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new glorious morn
Fall on your knees
Oh! I wanna dance with somebody
A little sexual frustration
Combined with lack of motivation
And a loss of concentration
Take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chica cherry cola
I have no belief
But I believe
I'm a walking contradiction
And I ain't got no right

Ghostbusters!

2004-12-10T19:12:00.000-05:00

I have internet back! I learned a few things from being disconnected for 3 days.
1) If you want something done, complain. It's easy to fix, people are just stupid.
2) No matter how dorky they are or how well they do in their CS classes, don't trust them with your computer. They'll turn off your firewall, not tell you because they think you won't understand what it is anyway, and you'll end up without the internet for 3 days.
3) I'm completely addicted to and utterly reliant on the internet. I rely on it for communication (via email, blogs, and msn), school info (ie practice exams and assignment solutions etc.), and just every bit of random information I need/want (from weather to song lyrics to phone numbers to you-name-it).
So the moral of the story is complain, don't trust people, and I...need...internet.

Let's see, what do I have to report on in the last few days.
Physclub End of Term Party > I wasn't really in the mood for a party. However, it was entertaining. Nina said she wasn't going to get drunk. Nina got trashed. Nina said she wasn't going to make out with anyone. Nina left with tall-random-blonde-guy. And Andrew's 'charming' marriage proposal to any girl in the room (it was a physics party so any girl in the room meant me, Sheena, or Hailey) that might just be pregnant with his child. I told him I'd let him know if anything popped out. I'm sure there would have been more fun laughing at the incredibly intoxicated but I really wasn't in good shape, fell asleep at 11, and then just went home.
Discovering the network > I finally got on the college network (which then led to my above troubles). But before I got disconnected, I got oh so much music! And there are movies and tv shows and photos. I only wish I'd found this earlier in the term.
On a related note... (no pun intended)
Music > I have sooo much more music than I did a few days ago. It's obscene really. And by obscene, I mean great. I love music.
Exams > I like exam period. I can just study and really sink my teeth into the material. It's much more enjoyable then constantly just trying to get assignments done.
Chem exam > I had a room to myself, a snack, Beethoven, and a lot of extra time. That is the way to write an exam; very civilized.
Christmas shopping > Em and I got the majority of ours done today at the UW shop. Any of it that I have left to do, I have to do in Toronto and I know what I'm going to get. It's weird though because this has always been something my dad and I do together. Another sign of growing up I suppose. And at least, we'll still go out for our lunch.

And I'm realizing that not much of note has happened in the last few days. That and I'm tired. It's 8:30 but I'm going to sleep. Right after I get all of Andrew's spanish music, that is. =)

All Grown Up

2004-12-06T17:59:00.000-05:00

How do you know when you're an adult? Is it when you are exposed to all the truly horrible things in this world? Or is it when you are desensitized to those horrors?

Lately, I've been feeling very old. Living away from home, considering getting an apartment. Questioning what my career path will be and what and who I want in my future. My relationship with my parents has changed. And now, to hear about a murder at a school very near to my high school, just seems to takes me further away from the naivety of being a child.

To simply hear that someone in Toronto was murdered has no effect on me; it's just a statistic. But to think about one person, only 16 years old, being attacked by a mob and stabbed to death, it makes me sick. That it was so close to home just adds to how scary it is.

How can people do that to each other? How do you feel so much hate towards a single person that you stab them to death? Is it the mob mentality? What happens when the adrenaline of the mob dies off? Do you realize the horror of what you've done? How do you actually stab someone, let alone brutally steal someone's life? What gives you the right to take anyone's life away? What gives you the right?!

He was a real person. Each person is a human being; not entirely bad or entirely good, but unique. He had his own individual joys, pains, challenges, thrills. I'm sure he made mistakes in his life, but I'm sure he also at some point made someone smile. He had friends and a family who now have to deal with the fact that this boy was taken away in an act of violence and hatred. He wasn't even given the chance to grow up.

What can I do? How do I change the world? How do I make people see each other as human beings, rather than mere objects? Can I do anything to make any difference at all or am I just being overly idealistic? Will people ever learn to see each other as human beings?

And I sit here writing this stupid post like I know something. I don't know the situation. I didn't know the people involved. I don't know his family. I may know some of his friends. But I can only imagine. I know nothing directly. I can do nothing.

Elysium

2004-12-06T02:03:00.000-05:00

When the night is still
And when the sea is calm
Lonely shadow, you call upon me

Lay by my side
Fear not tonight
Lonely shadow, you'll find a new light

Dream a dream
And see through angel's eyes
A place where we can fly away

Ride with me upon a shining star,
Above the moonlit sky
We will find Elysium

Hear the nightingale
Sing a lullaby
Lonely shadow, you'll find a new light

Dawn will be kind
All will be bright
Lonely shadow, rise from the darkness

Dream a dream
And see through angel's eyes
A place where we can fly away

***

I'm happy. For all my stressing about school, worrying about my health, and questioning everything and everyone around me, I'm very happy. Finally, I've found a place where I'm intellectually challenged, not just by the classes, but by the people around me. And now, I'm settling in. I'm under no illusion that this sense of calm and joy will be constant, but I plan to enjoy it while it lasts.

As always, keep smilin'! =)

Home Sweet Home

2004-12-04T15:12:00.000-05:00

Wow I needed to come home to calm myself down. To just relax here in Toronto is just what I needed. Not to mention, I love seeing my family. It's not the same as the way I missed them earlier in the fall. Then, I missed them because I had nothing familiar, no base to turn to in Waterloo. But now, I have people who I consider my base in Waterloo: Emily, Jon, the girls in residence, and my friends in physics. That change in Waterloo has affected my relationships with my parents. Last night, my dad welcomed Emily and I both as guests in his and my mom's house. I was taken aback and Dad quickly corrected himself. But in a lot of ways, that's what it's become. I've changed so much and because they don't see the change evolving, I become separate from my family. I'm an independent adult visiting my parent's house. It's a bit scary because that means I'm an adult but it's good overall. I can see my mom and dad as people, like I would a friend. That frees me from the child-like perspective of parents as absolute authorities and teenage perspective of parents as one to be defied yet simultaenously made proud. Now my parents are just two friends, whom I love and respect very much. It won't be an easy change but it has to happen. And of course, my brother and I have gotten even closer since I went away in a lot of ways. With him, it's difficult because he's growing up and changing as much as I am. But he's just great. So good to see him.
On a lighter note, yesterday was Emily's birthday. After lunch, we ate the cake her mom sent. (Who spreads on icing? It's all about the dipping the angel food cake in the chocolate icing =D ) We thought it'd be fun if she came to my house in Toronto and it's worked out very nicely, if I do say so myself. My parents got obscene amounts of Indian food for her and my mom got us the chocolate butter tart sort of things for dessert. Those were incredible! And she liked the t-shirt I got her. Then we caught up on Gilmore Girls. 'Twas good fun.

You!!

2004-11-30T21:06:00.000-05:00

Okay I want to know who's reading this. Please just leave a comment to say that you read my blog. I do realize that should you want to remain anonymous, there is nothing I can do to find out who you are. But I'm asking you that if you read this, can you please identify yourself. I'd like to know who I'm talking to.

Thank you!

Why do questions always outnumber answers?

2004-11-28T13:44:00.000-05:00

Note: Before I begin on this exercise in haphazardness, I'd like to apologize for the randomness of my posts as of late. My mind has been somewhat preoccupied so trying to hold on to some coherent stream of thought is like trying to catch a cloud and pin it down (a penny to anyone who catches that reference). Now, hold on to your pants, becuase here I go...

Who reads this thing? I tried initially to choose who would read it but now I'm not sure who, if anyone, reads this thing. Not knowing the audience makes speaking freely dangerous.

What are you thinking? There is no way to answer that question entirely honestly because by answering you've defined, and therefore, limited your thoughts. Definition gives clarity where it takes away from reality.

What happens to the function as n goes to infinity? It goes to zero.

Is there such a thing as enough sleep? If there is, I certainly will never get it.

Where do dreams come from? Especially when it's not a clear connection to happenings or thoughts from the day.

How does one stay centred? I need to find a way to breathe. I think I need time alone.

How does one find time alone while living in residence?

What will it be like going home for Christmas? I really want to go home and see my family and relax, but after being away for so long, this will likely be very different from any other Christmas I've ever experienced. Or maybe it won't be.

What, if anything, can one be certain of? It seems that just when one is sure of something, it changes.

Why? And if anyone tries to give the response, 'Why not?', just don't. A counter-question proves nothing. I can give plenty of reasons why not.

If you could ask God just one question, what would it be? Granted you'd have to believe (at least momentarily) in a human-like god to even consider this question.

Given the previous senario, would you be able to accept the answer you're given?

Why can we only percieve the world in a sequence dictated by absolute time?

Why bother to question, since the answers are likely beyond our grasp?

Are the answers beyond our grasp?

Why am I writing in my blog right now? To procrastinate on the calc homework that I don't understand. That and philosophical meanderings are much more fun.

Why is it so random? Because if I were willing to work for coherency, I'd put that energy towards my calculus assignment.

How does one un-lazify oneself?

In other words...

2004-11-21T19:26:00.000-05:00

Update: Most of last week was spent in intensely focused study of chemistry. It paid off on Friday when I flew through my chem term test. Sweet redemption after failing the first one. It also was my final midterm. For the rest of Friday, I was pretty much floating. I went from floating to absolutely wired after drinking lots of caffeinated tea at dinner and then consuming a large quantity of chocolate that Jon had given me. George and Steve came in the evening (late, as I suppose was to be expected, though had they just followed my directions...) and we (including Tobin, Emily, and Jon) went to see the UW production of The Tempest.

"We are such stuff / As dreams are made on, and our little life / Is rounded with a sleep."
- Shakespeare, The Tempest

It began with 8 or so people dressed in skin-coloured leotards doing some kind of primal dance while a rather large girl (who unfortunately, was also dressed in a skin-coloured leotard) sang. She had an incredible voice but that was one of the few good things about the play. Most of the actors did not know how to read Shakespeare and didn't seem to understand their parts. And the interpretation was just screwy.

"You taught me language and my profit on 't / Is I know how to curse."
- Shakespeare, The Tempest

It was brutal but entertaining nonetheless. Afterwards, we went out for wings and beers. Then we played dirty scrabble and strip high card in the bubble tea cafe. George and Steve crashed at Jon's. I really crashed which was to be expected given the high I'd be riding all day and the caffeine, sugar, and alcohol that I'd consumed. In the morning, we attempted to graph the wedge functions of our breakfasts. I suppose given the group, that was to be expected. As strange as I was being (again the chem test/final midterm/ingested stimulants high that I was riding), I was really happy to see George and Steve. Good times.

"No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth."
- Robert Southey

(If you thought that first part didn't make sense, I highly doubt that this next part will. More likely, it will move further from sense.)

Time dilation: Time seems to have new meaning here (here being university). The end of the term is fast approaching. My last exam is exactly a month yesterday. I feel like I'm just settling into the school year but already I'm coming up on exams and then on to a new term. Things that I perceive as having happened recently or being fairly new, happened over a month ago. The last month and a half seems to have gone by in the blink of an eye. This phenomenon of variant time seems to be most easily observed in the relationships I've formed here. Emily would be the most obvious example of this. Only 2 and a half months we've known each other and already we act like sisters (the older one being whoever has consumed less chocolate/sugar). And already, we're looking into getting an apartment for next year, which I'm sure will be upon us all to soon.

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour and it seems like a minutes. That's relativity."
- Albert Einstein

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."
- Albert Einstein

Growing up: This should fall naturally from my last point but that's not how it first struck me. The future seems to drive everything, probably because it comes so quickly. Generally, I feel that in terms of maturity, I've reverted since having come to university. But so many things that I now have to take responsibility for are so grown up. Not that I've never had to put thought into these kinds of things before, but now my considerations of money, residence, relationships, career, and my future seem to have a pertinence they didn't have before. Like a child playing dress-up in adult's clothing, I feel out of place and naive in these grown-up situations. I don't feel grown-up, but I have to make grown-up decisions.

"The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them he becomes them, he becomes and adult; the day he forgives himself he becomes wise."
- Alden Nowlan

"Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything."
- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Names: My name is very important to me. When I was in grade 4 I read Madeleine L'Engle's, Time Trilogy. The evil character is called "It" and what it does is it makes you nameless like everyone else. That struck a chord with me and ever since, names are important to me. There is something about being nameless, or being referred to by a generic or even derogatory term, that deeply bothers me. Probably because I don't want to be generic or degraded.

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose / by any other name would smell as sweet."
- Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

Silence:

"The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them."
- Stephen King

Swamped

2004-11-16T02:03:00.000-05:00

I need to catch a break. I can see no sign of all this work letting up but I'm getting sick trying to keep up. I am not capable of this kind of workload. I'm going insane trying to do it. I know my perspective is askew becuase I'm stressed and unhealthy but I can't seem to break out of this. There isn't even a breath in the work in order for me to catch my breath and deal with the stress. And worst of all, I'm taking it out on the people around me. I'm snipping at everyone. And I'm angry with myself for all of it; for the snipping; for not being able to work fast enough; for not being smart enough to pick it up faster.

If I could just get one lucky break ...

Lest we remember

2004-11-12T13:59:00.000-05:00

I take issue with a number of things regarding Rememberence Day.
1) We seem to have selective memories. It amazes me how there seems to be no mention of the internment camps for Japanese Canadians. I'm not so ignorant as to suggest that that is on the same scale as what the Nazis did to Jewish people, but it all stems from the same kind of ignorance and hatred.
2) There is too much focus on the so-called 'glory of war'. Terms like 'hero', 'scarifice', and 'freedom' are tossed around all too casually. There is nothing good about war. You can be a hero and make sacrifices and fight for freedom without a war. How can basic compassion and respect make someone a hero? It should not even be a question. Compassion, thought, love, respect...these are the things that make us human. And yet, in a situation as devoid of basic human compassion as war, to have any of the basic human qualities, makes someone a hero apparently. War is not in any way an example of the height of the human spirit. It is the ultimate low, humans killing each other en masse, without considering the person being killed as a real person. By real person, I mean someone capable of love, compassion, and thought, with friends and family; someone with a slew of past experiences that have shaped them to be as diverse an idividual as the killer.
3) We think so much of remember that we forget to learn. We think about the horrors, we tell stories of the people that fought, and we remember those that died in the wars. But we don't seem to learn. We don't use those memories to make sure it never happens again. Rememberance day *should* be about recalling just how low we as human being can stoop when hatred and ignorance drive our action and working to prevent it from ever happening again.
4) My last problem with Rememberance day is the poem, In Flander's Fields. For the most part, it has some beautiful ideas and images. Where I take issue is in the last stanza when it says
Take up our quarrel with the foe.
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
Continuing the battle any further is the wrong idea to send. There is no hope for those that are dead and there will be less hope if we continue in the same pattern. If we are to use a poem for Rememberance day, it should be one that expresses the utter hopelessness and disillusionment that so many of the surviving soldiers and people involved in the war dealt with. I would like to suggest that "The Hollow Men" by T.S. Elliot be that poem.

The Hollow Men A penny for the Old Guy

I
We are the hollow men We are the stuffed men Leaning together Headpiece filled with straw. Alas! Our dried voices, when We whisper together Are quiet and meaningless As wind in dry grass Or rats' feet over broken glass In our dry cellar Shape without form, shade without colour, Paralysed force, gesture without motion; Those who have crossed With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom Remember us-if at all-not as lost Violent souls, but only As the hollow men The stuffed men
We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats' feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us-if at all-not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death's dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are

Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind's singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death's dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer-

Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom

III
This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man's hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.
Is it like this
In death's other kingdom
Walking alone

At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.

IV
The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together and avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death's twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men

Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the shadow
Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

Aurora Borealis

2004-11-08T10:00:00.000-05:00

For the first time in my life, I saw the northern lights. Ever since I first heard about the northern lights, I promised myself I had to see them at least once in my lifetime. It did not disappoint. Certainly one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Just takes your breath away. Not in the cheesy, Hollywood-romance sort of way, but in a humbling, perspective-check way. Then it started snowing. First snowfall of the year. When I got home, Emily and I ran outside and started catching flakes on our tongues and spinning around in the field behind our res.
There was plenty of other excitment this weekend as well. I had my commencement on friday night. The ceremony was incredibly dull. I didn't realize that so many bad cliches could be screwed up and made worse in just 2 hours. But I got to see Kristen after so it made it all worth while. I miss my skating girls. Of course, I must say that leaving complex physics equations on the blackboard in the math classroom was also fun. Line of the night had to be Mr. Stickney > "What you need to do is get yourself set up with a fourth year student."
Saturday night was another experience all together. It can only be described in point form (mainly because that's the way I remember it i.e. I was very drunk)
- Goth bar. It reminded me of the Merovingian's club in Matrix: Revolutions. If only I'd been wearing my pleather cat-suit. =P
- the bumblebee > a really fat girl wearing a tight pink and black striped shirt with matching knee-highs and a leather skirt.
- a lot of 30+ year olds in the crowd.
- an ugly couple making out like mad in the middle of the dance floor. When I say like mad, I mean she had her legs wrapped around his waist. No one wants to see that.
- a really awkward guy in yellow shirt dancing constantly.
- if Celina orders a drink, it'll have more alcohol in it than if a guy orders a drink. If Celina and I both go to order a drink, it'll have even more alcohol than that. ie "I think this vodka might have some traces of sprite."
- no one challenges me to a dance off and wins, even if it is weird trance music.
- I out-nerded Jon by being able to accurately identify which LOTR movie was playing. (It was the first one, during the battle in the Mines of Moria.)
- throwing ice cubes down the back of Celina's shirt in retaliation to the ones she put down my shirt.
Ahh good times.

Mazeltov!

2004-11-01T20:37:00.000-05:00

Bat mitzvah was good times. I got through the service without falling asleep or bursting out laughing. And I didn't anger anyone with my ignorance. I'd call that a success.
The party was hilarious. Pre-teen dances are a lot more fun when you're at the "adult" table. Not to mention the amusement watching from the DJ with his fake bling and his hired dancers. It took so much self control not to challenge those girls. But I behaved. Go me!
Ok...ubertired...sleep.

Plan B

2004-10-29T01:39:00.000-04:00

So after much consideration, I'm going to plan B. I'm dropping out of co-op and I'm going to take a reduced coursed load starting next term. I like my courses, I just want more time so I can actually enjoy it rather than just be doing it to get it done. Not to mention that would help my marks. And of course, it would be much better for my health, physically and mentally. I feel good about this solution except for the fact that I will not be able to pay for it myself which means, asking my parents for money. Of course, they've agreed without question and my dad approves of my reasoning for this decision. Rationally, I know it's the best move but still it's a blow to my pride, my damn stubborn pride.

Random point of excitement > I'm going to a bat mitzvah this weekend. I've never been to one so of course, I'm curious. Well, and there's dancing. I just hope I don' t refer to the synagogue as a church by accident or make another equally ignorant remark. Meh if I screw up, I'll just go to the other extreme, pull a rosary out of my purse and start trying to convert people to Catholicism. Oh this is going to be fun =)

Failure

2004-10-26T18:50:00.000-04:00

It's official; I failed my chem midterm. 43%. That hurts.

I need to keep my personal shit in check. I need to take care of my health more. Basically, I have to get my act together. I cannot flunk out my first year. I'm not beaten yet.

Attacked by solid water

2004-10-25T13:22:00.000-04:00

So Emily and I went skating yesterday. She took an awkward fall and hit her head on the ice. Now I don't have any first aid training and in case you haven't noticed, I'm super squeemish. And yet I was the only person there who knew how to deal with the situation. I was proud of myself actually for how calm I was even though she was bleeding badly. It just would have been nice if the first aid guy at the rink actually knew what to do. "Oh yeah that's a concussion for sure but go ahead and lie down and close your eyes." Umm gee there's just a few problems with that. 1) Dizzyness and nausea are symptoms of a concussion but are also just symptoms of shock. Telling her she definately has a concussion just makes her freak out. Not good. 2) Letting someone who is bleeding from the head lie down without raising her head is a very bad idea. Let's see...let's make it easier for all the blood to rush to an open wound. Brilliant. 3) Letting someone close their eyes and lie down is an even worse idea. That's it, she can just sleep it off. Since the first aid guy didn't seem to know any of this, I made her focus on breathing mainly because I was scared she'd black out. Then he suggested we walk to the hospital. Right. At this point, I realized that I need to put more of my friend's phone numbers to memory. I could only remember Courtney's. Luckily, her room-mate got our don, Meredith, who came in a cab and took us to the hospital. And what fun the hospital was. Six hours for six stitches. And the whole time we're waiting there, I'm stressing about the calculus midterm I have today. What fun. So now I must cut this post short to cram just a little more studying in in the few hours I have left before my exam.
On a happier note, after my exam, I'm going to help edit DarkMatter since this one has to be awesome since we're challenging MathNews. Two physics events, two math events, and the big tie-breaker, a dance off. Oh the DarkMatter Dancers are going to *bring it*. Guess who's doing choreography? Once this issue is published (ie tomorrow), it's on!

FYI > DarkMatter is the physics student newspaper that comes out every other tuesday. Take a look > http://darkmatter.quack.ca/

Speechless

2004-10-14T14:33:00.000-04:00

With all that has been happening in the last week, you'd think that I'd have been writing epic entries. But for all the events and thoughts circling in my head, I've not been able to articulate it. I still can't really. For all that has happened, there's really nothing to say. People change. That 'change' need be no more than the realization that you've become inauthentic or untrue to yourself. That realization is enough to empower and hurt all at the same time. So it comes down to, as almost everything does, a choice: To keep those around you happy by living inauthentically or to take the more challenging path of living authentically. A long time ago, I chose to base my decisions in what was true to myself. To pull back from a deviation from that path is never easy, but it is necessary. Unfortunately, it is a guessing game to figure out what is authentic and there are casulties of that game. I always knew it was the harder way of living, but taking the easy way would be inauthentic to me.
Guess I had some things to say after all.

In search of abstract beauty...

2004-10-06T03:48:00.000-04:00

This is all I wanted from my university experience; to lose myself in the world of ideas and to meet people also lost in that world.

Wow.

Such Great Heights

2004-10-04T01:02:00.000-04:00

We all live looking through our own eyes, and try as we may, we'll always have our own personal tint to how we see things. That tint gets darker and skews our perception of the world more and more as experience leaves it's mark, be it a good experience or a bad one. With everyone living in and seeing only their view of reality, it's a miracle that anyone can connect with anyone else for even a moment on anything more than a very superficial level. By connect, I mean that point where perceptions disolve and form in understanding. From this weekend, there are two people who have made me think about this. One, a new connection; the second, a connection sustained through trials. The first one was an intellectual connection. I did not know there was anyone who I could talk to on that level. It was all talk of ideas, extremely esoteric ideas. And in a real conversation, where an idea put forth by one person, considered by both people, countered by the other person, back and forth until conclusions can be drawn and new ideas formed from that. Both people speaking with clarity; both listening fully; both entertaining every idea fully; both bending at least a little as learning takes place. To form a friendship like that so fast and deep is so exciting that I can't even explain.
The second connection was an emotional one that was challenged. There I was amazed by the resiliance of that connection. Considering how hard it is to even form a connection, the fact that it can hold after being tested, and even grow, amazes me. That someone else would work as hard as me to hold on to that connection blows me away. By work, I mean be willing to learn and grow. Maybe that's the key; know how to learn, and know when to bend. That's part of it anyway.
All in all, I am amazed that I find people who I can connect with every where I go. I'm so lucky.

Feelin' Groovy

2004-09-29T18:24:00.000-04:00

The crazy emotional period I have been going through seems to finally have reached an end. It's about time. I can go back to being me. I think it was going home this past weekend that grounded me. I've managed to carry my strength from the weekend through into the week.

I don't feel like forming full thoughts. You know what that means...random list time.

Happy things
- free food. Kate gave me a cookie. Emily gave me muffins and cookies.
- Ducks sleeping in the pond.
- new music. Tony and Jon both made mp3 cds for me with amazing music.
- tea with lots of honey.
- Power skating. I love teaching it. I love being out on the ice. I should have known I wouldn't be able to quit completely. But this is a good way of getting to skate without the pressure.
- running into Karin at the rink. Seeing a fellow sk7ner is always a happy thing.
- 2 month anniversary.
- random guy running by me saying "Don't ask". I wasn't going to.
- PhUC aka PhysClub
- meeting awesome people.
- crackers and cheese.
- intelligent conversation. Everyone I meet here has something interesting to say and doesn't need to resort to phrases like "ya know" and "like totally".
- talking to Anne.
- having the boys from Empire sing an invite to a party.

Don't wanna miss a thing

2004-09-27T03:32:00.000-04:00

Whoever said you can't go home was wrong. A weekend home was exactly what I needed and so much more. I passed my grading, first class! I felt such a difference from the one-on-one training. (Thank you Shima!) hehe I'm so spoiled.
But what was so great about this weekend was being with the people I love and trust. I never realized just how much I draw on their strength and support. I feel like I can face the next week with so much more strength and energy, even if I didn't get much sleep or get any work done. It was so great to be able to talk to Jamie about all the stuff that we have on our minds. I miss that. I miss Jamie.

a super-position of states

2004-09-22T22:37:00.000-04:00

I haven't written for a few days not because nothing has been happening, but because I'm not sure how to write it down. I've been bouncing from one extreme on the emotional scale to the next while simultaneously being everywhere in between. I've been homesick while getting excited about opportunities here; wanting to be with people at home while loving the people I'm meeting here. Why can't I just be content? I have everything I've ever wanted. I'm at a great university studying what I'm interested in. I have a family that supports me. I have so many friends I can trust completely. I have a boyfriend who just amazes me in every way. I have a room-mate who I can not only live with, but be friends with as well. And so many people here who I totally identify with and who blow me away. So why am I such a mess?

Shakin' booty making sweet love all the night

2004-09-19T14:28:00.000-04:00

Not only did yesterday live up to my expectations, this whole weekend exceeded any expectations I had. Karate felt so good yesterday. I feel like I can learn so much faster when I have one-on-one instruction. I finally feel like I have a grasp on the partner works which I never was able to get because of how we practice them in class. Then I went skating and as much as I'm really out of shape in terms of skating form, it felt amazing to be back out there. In the afternoon, I just chilled with some of my favourite girls from my res and Jamie called me so I got to chat with him about his math and girl troubles. I miss him so it was so much fun to talk to him. Then Ali came and we went out dancing with a bunch of my favourite people from res. All my friends loved Ali and we all just so much fun. As if that weren't great enough, I saw my friend JD who was another counsellor at OELC. He's such an awesome dancer and we no longer had to keep it clean for the kids so we had some fun dancing. This morning, Ali and I had breakfast on a bench out by the stream behind my res. It's sunny with a clear blue sky; absolutely picturesque. Later, my dad is coming to take Emily and I out to dinner. Oh and speaking of Emily, I've got her hooked on Weezer. She loves Pinkerton. Karate, skating, dancing, good music, all shared with the incredible people that I have in my life. What more could I ask for? Well I suppose I could ask for my linear algebra assignment to magically complete itself but that's not exactly in the realm of possibilities.

Boys suck. Let's throw rocks at them. Busy.

2004-09-17T23:00:00.000-04:00

Why is it that so many guys just assume they know more than me on certain subjects like math and exercise? No one should make assumptions like that because they know nothing about me. In the past two days alone, I've had to deal with too many guys like that. The worst one by far was over a problem from my calculus assignment. It was just a graph of regions of solutions for an inequality involving absolute values. Our algebra was all exactly the same but the difference came in the interpretation of how to graph it. He seemed to think you ignore the first restriction you put on the graph and only use your final one. When I'd explain it to him, he'd just say he "couldn't follow my messed up logic". Now, I'll admit he may just possibly be more skilled with algebraic work than me. But when it comes to interpreting and converting algebraic work to a physical/geometrical situation, I'm very confident in my ability. That's why I'm in mathematical *physics*, not just math! (He's in computer science, by the way.) Bah! Guys like that drive me insane! Oh and I checked with an upper year pure math major; my interpretation is absolutely right. haha I just made a math pun...absolutely right > absolute values. hahaha oh boy I've been spending too much time doing calculus.

Ok funny story that really only Saman and George will understand. My calculus prof is the stereotypical picture of a geek. He's short, pasty, and skinny. He has short curly dark brown hair and glasses. He has a high-pitched geeky voice (think Professor Frink) and talks really fast. And of course, he loves calculus. The other day he breifly ranted about chalk and how he used to have one of those little metal things for it but he lost it. Today, he came in and proudly showed us his new chalk holder. Remind you of anyone? Oh yeah this guy is a geekier math Bullock. He's awesome. =)

Tomorrow, I'm training karate with Shima in the morning, then skating, then working on my linear algebra homework, then Ali's coming, then the evening's plans are uncertain but there is much talk among many of my friends of a big group of us going dancing. As my friend pointed out, that's pretty much my perfect day. Should be a good one.

Did I mention I love physics?

2004-09-14T23:41:00.000-04:00

So I'm the new First Year Rep on the Phys Club council. Looks like it'll be a lot of fun. The elections today were the most informal elections, and most entertaining elections I've ever seen. I mean my friend Nicole that nominated me said my name was "Trinity". And that was one of the relatively tame names going up on that board. The other people on the council seem awesome. They all have the weird physics humour that I love so much. Oh and the secretary came up to me after the meeting and informed me that she and I are the only two females in Mathematical Physics in all years at Waterloo. How cool is that?

Insert James Brown's "I feel good" here

2004-09-14T01:07:00.000-04:00

First day of classes done. Should get to sleep but I felt a post was necessary so here are a few quick (and as always, somewhat random) thought from today.

- I love physics.
- I bought a mini-fridge with my room-mate.
- It's refreshing to have profs who are competent and love what they are teaching.
- I love calculus.
- We named the fridge Wolfgang so I wouldn't fulfill my urge to name something/someone Wolfgang by inflicting that name on my unborn son.
- I have the best room-mate possible.
- I may manage to not despise chemistry since my prof seems really good and there's nothing that even remotely resembles organic chem in the course outline.
- I love algebra.
- You got SPUCed! Looks like we will manage to get our t-shirts/sweatshirts.
- I may be a nerd but so is most of the population of UW. Hard as it may be to adjust, this is where I belong.

"This is my time
This is my tear
I can see clearly now
That this is not a place
For playing solitaire
...
All in all i’m
Loving every rise and fall
The sun will make and I will take
Breath to be sure of this"

Refreshed

2004-09-13T12:30:00.000-04:00

Interesting weekend. It certainly ended better than it started. Friday night I started getting really anxious and by Saturday I was a mess. I broke down in the book store when my second attempt at buying my books that day failed because the amount was over the limit (which I was un-aware existed) on my card (the first attempt failed because they didn't take cheques). That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I started tearing up right there so I rushed out and put my sunglasses on. I ran past some friends who were coming out of res as I was rushing in and I broke down completely as soon as I got into my room; sobbing, hyper-ventilating, pacing, the works. After a few minutes of that I went online and Saman was online so she called me and calmed me down. (Thank you so much Saman) Then Emily came in and she was feeling anti-social too so we decided to watch Gilmore Girls (she has season 1 on dvd) on my laptop. That cheered me up a lot. (Thank you Emily) At dinner, Emily and I stayed away from anyone we knew. Then after dinner, Ali arrived and we went over to his sister's house and watched the Karate Kid. That helped me more than I can explain. I needed to see a familiar face, I needed to spend a night where I didn't have to tell people who I am, I needed to relax and laugh, really laugh, and most of all, I needed a hug. (Ali, I can't thank you enough) This morning, he picked me up and we went out for breakfast, laughed at hicks, and went grocery shopping. So great to just relax. This afternoon, Emily and I continued watching Gilmore Girls, continuing my anti-social streak. Finally, after dinner, she and I decided to stop being anti-social so we wandered around until we found some people. They showed us a lounge we didn't know about. Then we had our tea party in Dungeon Lounge. There was a great turn-out and even better conversation (nerdy, intelligent, and very humorous). A lot of my friends commented on how they hadn't seen me all weekend. But I needed that break. I am meeting some really awesome people here but I need my alone time. I took a little walk just now around campus just to gather my thoughts. I need to make sure I'm finding time to be by myself and just breath or I'm going to go running back to Toronto and that's not right for me. I am surrounded by so many incredible people here but to be able to enjoy being with them, I need to be away from them too. Balance yin and yang, letting opposites define each other I suppose.
Tomorrow, I start classes. I have a lecture for each of my five classes tomorrow starting with physics. What a way to start the day off right =)

Falling down the rabbit hole

2004-09-10T16:09:00.000-04:00

Ok I realize this is dorky, but I just want classes to start. I can't handle the energy that is required by the constant socializing of frosh week. I sat out most of yesterday's activities and all of today's and I'm likely not to stay long at tomorrow's. Not having my home base of friends and family is starting to grate on me. I love it here so much, I just cannot handle the hyper tense atmosphere right now. I know it will calm down once routine sets in and then res will be even better.
I have found some great people at my res who I think will become great friends in time. First, there's my room-mate, Emily. We're already really comfortable with each other which is key since we're living together. We're a really good compliment to each other. She's pretty shy and conservative and goes to sleep early. Since I'm more out-going, I can help her make friends and come out of her shell a bit. And she can help me stay in and sleep when I know I should. But we both like to keep the room cold. It's a good balance between similarities and differences. She's someone I already am sure that I can count on.
Then, there's Erin. She lives upstairs on Bastille (the french floor). We were in the same group for Science orientation stuff so that's how we started talking. She was super shy and quiet at first so I just rambled the way I always do. And all of a sudden she started talking. She's crazy! She's so hyper and silly once she opens up.
And last but certainly not least, there's Courtney. This girl has my exact personality. That's both a good thing and a bad thing. We understand each other all too well already which is great. But I can see wanting to strangle her if we spend too much time together. That being said, we both realize that and we don't take it personally. It's amazing to have someone who understands me so well.
Those are the people I'm close with thus far. I just hope things calm down soon.

I have arrived =)

2004-09-07T23:26:00.000-04:00

So all (well most) of my fears have evaporated, as I expected they would. I love my room-mate. She's in physics and loves the Matrix and the Gilmore Girls. We've really hit it off and together we're forming a group of friends in SPUC (my res). I'm already so at home in my res. Already tonight I was walking around in my pjs. I love it here. And I have tech support downstairs becuase the floor below me is kinda the floor for computer geeks. (My floor is the "quiet floor" which is really nice.) Oh and the frosh stuff we do in res is the best. Bigger and Better was a blast and hanging out for snacks and little games after was such a nice way to end off.
And the faculty stuff is fun too. The Secret Science Dance is so cheesy and so fun. I'm looking forward to the Island Paradise themed dance for the Science faculty tomorrow night.
You know what's weird though? I'm older than a lot of my frosh leaders. I think I'm likely to become good friends with a lot of them once they are no longer frosh leaders.
Oh funny story. I met a guy yesterday who went to Leaside but we'd never seen each other before. He's living on Dungeon. (ie the floor below mine. I'm on Oasis.). Small world eh?
Ok I need sleep. Another full day tomorrow. Can't wait =)

Good-bye yellow brick road

2004-09-05T23:02:00.000-04:00

The car is jam packed with my various belongings, I've said all my good-byes, and move-in is less than 10 hours away. So many random things going through my head. This is about as organized as I can make them >>>>>
- how can I possible have so much crap to take? I hardly brought anything above what I need.
- I broke into my own cottage at 2 in the morning.
- Worst good-bye > Tie between Anne and Kristen. I wish I hadn't said good-bye to two of my closest, oldest friends over the phone. I wish I'd spent more time with them.
- Best good-bye > George. We did exactly what we always do; hung out and talked about everything and the conversation came back to karate. And then the actual good-bye was not overly sappy or too cold, it was just right. =)
- One box, three big duffel bags, one big paper bag, two back-packs, and one massive hockey bag. How did I possible fill all that? And how did my dad fit it all in the car?
- I am so lucky to have so many incredible friends. How I've managed it is beyond me. I hope I can attract equally incredible people at Waterloo.
- it would make me really happy to find that my room-mate is not a freak. it'd make me even happier to find out that she and I are the same size and she actually has a fashion sense.
- "I had the time of my life" I miss Ice Show.
- it really impresses me when I discover someone is good with kids.
- how is all my stuff going to fit in my dorm room? and what is my room-mate bringing? They should really give us some contact info, even just an email, before hand so we can coordinate.
- I want Persian tea. Right now. hmm I may have to settle for some regular herbal tea. I'll put lots of honey in to compensate. (like that's anything new :P)
- I didn't eat dinner. mmm I'll get some crackers after I post this.
- My cousins are good kids. And gorgeous.
- it makes me so happy when I bring someone up to the cottage and they can just fit in so I don't have to feel obligated to play hostess.
- making out under the stars is great.
- My mother is one of my best friends. What am I going to do without her? I'm going to miss Jamie too. And as much as we butt heads, I'm going to miss my dad too. But what am I going to do without my mom?
- everything is going to change tomorrow.

This is it. The yellow brick road has ended at the Emerald City. Let's just hope I've found my way home.

Out with a bang

2004-09-01T19:34:00.000-04:00

I couldn't have asked for a better last day of work. They had a big lunch dealie for me (with chocolate cake!), gave me presents and cards (it was like my birthday), and then offered me the job for next summer. And then my favourite family I ever baby-sat for came in and that was just the cherry on top. I was almost getting teary-eyed after I chatted with them and saw how much they had grown up.
And on that note, what the hell is wrong with me this week? I'm on some kind of crazy emotional roller coaster. Aside from times when I was sick, I don't know if I've ever been this emotional. Must be going soft. ;)

Everything that has a beginning has an end.

2004-08-30T23:14:00.000-04:00

That's right. I broke down and signed up for one of these things. I figure it'll cut down on the number (or at least length) of update emails I'll being writing to my friends that are now all over the place. Who knows whether I'll actually keep it up but I guess we'll see. It's likely just a product of this nostalgic/emotional/girly mood I've been in lately in, which case it will be forgotten as soon as my mood changes. Or maybe it will be an efficient way of keeping in touch with people. Either way, here it is; my first post.