No place like home.

So much for the expected relief and relaxation I thought I'd find upon coming back 'home'. Instead I found stress and cheap shots. Nothing I ever do will be good enough. I'm never going to meet my father's expectations. I will never be everything he wants me to be. And he and my mother pretty much expect me to fail in life in some way shape or form.

For the last four months, I've lived without constantly being told I'm not good enough. It's shown me that I don't have to live with that. I can command enough respect to be treated as my own person; that I am a good person. I've built a new life for myself at school. I am happy in that life.

This isn't my home anymore.

Apathy has rained on me

As I walked home from a somewhat frustrating linear algebra exam, I began berating myself as is usually my reaction when things like this don't go well. But then I though, Given the situation, you did all you could. It's not great, but it's not bad either. That's right; the voice of reason, in my head of all places.
It boggles my mind that I can walk away from both my calc and algebra exams with a smile on my face, given how they went. I'm confident that I passed both exams but were this a year ago, I'd have broken down crying over exams like that and over having this little time to study and such. I'd be sick and stressed and down on myself. But instead, I'm fairly calm and happy, aside from being a bit tired (but what else is new) and a bit nervous before each exam. Of course it's a bit of a blow to my ego to having to work to just get by. But for some reason, I'm confident anyway. I really believe it will be better next term. Why? Just because. I may just have finally managed to take something on faith. Go figure.
Voice of reason, blind faith, calm...me? Not terms you'd usually associate with me, the girl's who has the nickname, 'dove on crack'. I guess it's just proof of how much I've changed and grown up. hehehe proof. I'm good at proofs. I can prove Fermat's Theorem, Unique Representation Theorem, that differentiability implies continuity, the Product Rule, that if H and K are subspaces H∩K is a subspace, and more. Just don't ask me to prove that f(x) goes to a certain limit from the definition. Stupid limit definitions.

Best room-mate ever!

If there are ever any doubts about why Em and I can live together and still get along (read: not only refrain from killing each other, but actually, choose to spend time together), given my personality (read: insanity), this should make it clear >>>
Multiple Methods for Multiple Choice by Emily

Update: Emily is my hero. She just decided to look up that word so she grabbed her text book. A full minute or so later she exclaimed "Oh this is physics!"

Foss-fa-tiddle-lie-noss-i-tol

Inventions of my insanity

Ouch. Why does calculus hate me? Algebra better not have changed sides. We were friends but I have been spending a lot of time with Calculus lately. Maybe Lin alg is jealous. I like rice cakes. At least they still like me. I think. Maybe they're all plotting against me. Already there was the omelet attack yesterday. Really! Who puts cottage cheese in an omelet? Caf food hurts me. It's part of the axis of evil too. If they get sleep on their side, I'm screwed because he can unleash insomnia on me.

Sonia should go to sleep. But instead, Sonia will continue to review the endless formulas (or formulae for those of you with a pill up your ass) and theorems that make her head spin. Sonia should also stop writing in third person because it's annoying in hell.

However, you do like annoying people, especially since Calculus is making you want to cry. So you won't talk in 1st person. You don't want to make it easy for people just like Calculus doesn't want to make it easy for you. Your bangs are in your face. Stupid bangs. You'll get them cut in a week. You have 5 exams in this week. You are the walrus, cu-cu-cuchoo.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls,
Pop Goes The World, By Men Without Hats
May I inquire discreetly,
When you are free,
To take some tea with me.
They're creepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They're all together ooky,
The Addams Family.
To the Love Shack
I got me a Chrysler, it seats about 20.
So hurry up and bring your jukebox money.
For this poor Americano
knows little of you speech.
And you're turning tricks
with your crucifix
You're a star.
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
Didn't make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
What I like about you
you keep me warm at night
And i know that it's not a party
if it happens every night
You keep samin' when you oughta be changin'.
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
there'll be sun.
Oh, I could hide ’neath the wings
Of the bluebird as she sings.
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new glorious morn
Fall on your knees
Oh! I wanna dance with somebody
A little sexual frustration
Combined with lack of motivation
And a loss of concentration
Take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chica cherry cola
I have no belief
But I believe
I'm a walking contradiction
And I ain't got no right

Ghostbusters!

I have internet back! I learned a few things from being disconnected for 3 days.
1) If you want something done, complain. It's easy to fix, people are just stupid.
2) No matter how dorky they are or how well they do in their CS classes, don't trust them with your computer. They'll turn off your firewall, not tell you because they think you won't understand what it is anyway, and you'll end up without the internet for 3 days.
3) I'm completely addicted to and utterly reliant on the internet. I rely on it for communication (via email, blogs, and msn), school info (ie practice exams and assignment solutions etc.), and just every bit of random information I need/want (from weather to song lyrics to phone numbers to you-name-it).
So the moral of the story is complain, don't trust people, and I...need...internet.

Let's see, what do I have to report on in the last few days.
Physclub End of Term Party > I wasn't really in the mood for a party. However, it was entertaining. Nina said she wasn't going to get drunk. Nina got trashed. Nina said she wasn't going to make out with anyone. Nina left with tall-random-blonde-guy. And Andrew's 'charming' marriage proposal to any girl in the room (it was a physics party so any girl in the room meant me, Sheena, or Hailey) that might just be pregnant with his child. I told him I'd let him know if anything popped out. I'm sure there would have been more fun laughing at the incredibly intoxicated but I really wasn't in good shape, fell asleep at 11, and then just went home.
Discovering the network > I finally got on the college network (which then led to my above troubles). But before I got disconnected, I got oh so much music! And there are movies and tv shows and photos. I only wish I'd found this earlier in the term.
On a related note... (no pun intended)
Music > I have sooo much more music than I did a few days ago. It's obscene really. And by obscene, I mean great. I love music.
Exams > I like exam period. I can just study and really sink my teeth into the material. It's much more enjoyable then constantly just trying to get assignments done.
Chem exam > I had a room to myself, a snack, Beethoven, and a lot of extra time. That is the way to write an exam; very civilized.
Christmas shopping > Em and I got the majority of ours done today at the UW shop. Any of it that I have left to do, I have to do in Toronto and I know what I'm going to get. It's weird though because this has always been something my dad and I do together. Another sign of growing up I suppose. And at least, we'll still go out for our lunch.

And I'm realizing that not much of note has happened in the last few days. That and I'm tired. It's 8:30 but I'm going to sleep. Right after I get all of Andrew's spanish music, that is. =)

All Grown Up

How do you know when you're an adult? Is it when you are exposed to all the truly horrible things in this world? Or is it when you are desensitized to those horrors?

Lately, I've been feeling very old. Living away from home, considering getting an apartment. Questioning what my career path will be and what and who I want in my future. My relationship with my parents has changed. And now, to hear about a murder at a school very near to my high school, just seems to takes me further away from the naivety of being a child.

To simply hear that someone in Toronto was murdered has no effect on me; it's just a statistic. But to think about one person, only 16 years old, being attacked by a mob and stabbed to death, it makes me sick. That it was so close to home just adds to how scary it is.

How can people do that to each other? How do you feel so much hate towards a single person that you stab them to death? Is it the mob mentality? What happens when the adrenaline of the mob dies off? Do you realize the horror of what you've done? How do you actually stab someone, let alone brutally steal someone's life? What gives you the right to take anyone's life away? What gives you the right?!

He was a real person. Each person is a human being; not entirely bad or entirely good, but unique. He had his own individual joys, pains, challenges, thrills. I'm sure he made mistakes in his life, but I'm sure he also at some point made someone smile. He had friends and a family who now have to deal with the fact that this boy was taken away in an act of violence and hatred. He wasn't even given the chance to grow up.

What can I do? How do I change the world? How do I make people see each other as human beings, rather than mere objects? Can I do anything to make any difference at all or am I just being overly idealistic? Will people ever learn to see each other as human beings?

And I sit here writing this stupid post like I know something. I don't know the situation. I didn't know the people involved. I don't know his family. I may know some of his friends. But I can only imagine. I know nothing directly. I can do nothing.

Elysium

When the night is still
And when the sea is calm
Lonely shadow, you call upon me

Lay by my side
Fear not tonight
Lonely shadow, you'll find a new light

Dream a dream
And see through angel's eyes
A place where we can fly away

Ride with me upon a shining star,
Above the moonlit sky
We will find Elysium

Hear the nightingale
Sing a lullaby
Lonely shadow, you'll find a new light

Dawn will be kind
All will be bright
Lonely shadow, rise from the darkness

Dream a dream
And see through angel's eyes
A place where we can fly away

***

I'm happy. For all my stressing about school, worrying about my health, and questioning everything and everyone around me, I'm very happy. Finally, I've found a place where I'm intellectually challenged, not just by the classes, but by the people around me. And now, I'm settling in. I'm under no illusion that this sense of calm and joy will be constant, but I plan to enjoy it while it lasts.

As always, keep smilin'! =)

Home Sweet Home

Wow I needed to come home to calm myself down. To just relax here in Toronto is just what I needed. Not to mention, I love seeing my family. It's not the same as the way I missed them earlier in the fall. Then, I missed them because I had nothing familiar, no base to turn to in Waterloo. But now, I have people who I consider my base in Waterloo: Emily, Jon, the girls in residence, and my friends in physics. That change in Waterloo has affected my relationships with my parents. Last night, my dad welcomed Emily and I both as guests in his and my mom's house. I was taken aback and Dad quickly corrected himself. But in a lot of ways, that's what it's become. I've changed so much and because they don't see the change evolving, I become separate from my family. I'm an independent adult visiting my parent's house. It's a bit scary because that means I'm an adult but it's good overall. I can see my mom and dad as people, like I would a friend. That frees me from the child-like perspective of parents as absolute authorities and teenage perspective of parents as one to be defied yet simultaenously made proud. Now my parents are just two friends, whom I love and respect very much. It won't be an easy change but it has to happen. And of course, my brother and I have gotten even closer since I went away in a lot of ways. With him, it's difficult because he's growing up and changing as much as I am. But he's just great. So good to see him.
On a lighter note, yesterday was Emily's birthday. After lunch, we ate the cake her mom sent. (Who spreads on icing? It's all about the dipping the angel food cake in the chocolate icing =D ) We thought it'd be fun if she came to my house in Toronto and it's worked out very nicely, if I do say so myself. My parents got obscene amounts of Indian food for her and my mom got us the chocolate butter tart sort of things for dessert. Those were incredible! And she liked the t-shirt I got her. Then we caught up on Gilmore Girls. 'Twas good fun.